Friday, August 19, 2005

Sister to Sister

Dear Star,
I think there is something you should know. I don't quite know how to tell you this. Alright, I'm gonna let you in a little secret. Are you alone? Okay, here it is. Star, you're husband is GAY! Aww, whatever! This ain't a secret. In fact, Star, you seem to be the ONLY person who doesn't know that he's gay. Star, look at him. Go on, really look at him. There is not a straight man alive who sits up that straight while showing everyone his crotch. No straight man's jeans would fit that tightly either. Let's examine some more evidence. I mean, do I really have to point out the obvious?! Just look at him. He just screams, "I'm HERE, I'M QUEER!!" Oh Honey, why can't you see what we see.
I realize that you have been deluding yourself for a while, so this may come as a shock to you. But I think that deep down, you know that EVERYONE is right. If you were wondering why you've never actually had sex with your husband, it's because he thinks your vagina is icky. Oh there, there, Star. Don't take it personally, he thinks ALL vaginas are icky, not just yours. This explains so much! The excessive toiletries, the hair styling, the time he spends with that guy 'Twan, everything!!
Girl, don't feel bad. You are NOT the first desperate woman over 35 to be turned into a fag hag. You're in great company. Let's see, there's Diana Ross and Liza Minelli. You're in the company of legends! A Supreme and an Oscar winner. Look at it like this. Knowledge is power. Now you can go warn others before they turn into you. In fact, you could help out poor Katie Holmes. She's about 2 words away from becoming Tom Cruise's 3rd official beard. Help the poor girl. Help her.
Star, the reason I'm telling you all of this is because I care. It hurts to me to see you gushing about your ring, your wedding, and "your" man on The View everyday. It especially hurts whenever the camera pans to your co-hosts looking at you with eyes that are saying, "Riiiiiiiiiiight." Actually, everyone on the set is looking at you that way. Someone needed to tell you the truth, instead of just laughing at you behind your back. Now I know it's going to be difficult being all alone again, but you can do it. Dry your eyes, put on that wig, and cake on that make-up and you go out there and find you a man (preferably one who's NOT into other men).
In Sisterly Love,

1 comment:

Fraulein N said...

Hee, I love this, especially the part about him hanging out with some guy named 'Twan.

I'm still waiting for them to make the big announcement when they get divorced.