Thursday, August 18, 2005

Cuckoo Cuckoo

I'm listening to the Emancipation of Mimi ad nauseam. It has suddenly dawned on me that Mariah Carey has issues. Really deep seeded, personal issues. And I'm not just talking about that stint she did in the looney bin a couple years ago. Wait, excuse me I mean her 6 month "hospitalization for exhaustion." Honestly, I don't even know why people were surprised about the whole situation. Just listen to her music, the signs were there the whole time. That bitch is crazy.
Have you ever really paid attention to what she's saying? I mean really, really paid attention. Alright, take that song "Always Be My Baby." Yeah, I know you've heard it a thousand times, but I bet you totally missed the fact that Mariah is a freakin psycho ass broad. Don't let the dulcet tones of her voice fool you into thinking that it's just an ordinary love song. Hell no it ain't! Mariah Carey is a stalker. Check out these lyrics: "You'll always be a part of me/I'm part of you indefinitely/oh Boy, you know you can't escape me/oooohh Darling, cause you'll always be my baby/It'll linger on/time can't erase a feeling this strong/there's no way you're ever gonna shake me/oooohh Darling, cause you'll always be my baby." Looks kind of scary when you see it in print now doesn't it. Personally, it conjures images of Mariah being carried away from the object of her affection in a straight jacket, with those light brown locks flying everywhere, as she's kicking and screaming, "NO WAY YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SHAKE ME!!!!!! NO WAY YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SHAKE ME!!! YOOOOOOUUUUUUU AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL AAAALLLLLLLWAYS BEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
Don't get me wrong, a little bit of stalking is normal. There's not a single red-blooded woman alive who hasn't stalked a man to some extent (remember Denial is not just a river in Egypt). I'll be the first to admit to it. Back in high school I was butt crazy in love with this boy who had a lazy eye and a receding hairline. Oh, he was so fine!! I used to make my older brother drive by his home really slowly so I could maybe catch a glimpse of him coming out the house. I don't do stuff like that anymore. Nowadays what I'll do is come into town without telling a guy. Then I'll call up one of his friends (but not good enough friends to call him and tell him we spoke). In the course of conversation, I'll ask what's going on for the evening, weekend, or whatever. When I get the goods on where stuff is gonna pop off, I casually ask who's expected to be where. Nine times out of ten, the friend will tell me where old boy will more than likely be. After that all I have to do is call one of my girls to come along as a buffer, put on something that shows plenty of cleavage or thigh (not both, cause that looks so desperate), show up at the designated location, and "accidentally" bump into the object of my affection. This is perfectly NORMAL and ACCEPTABLE behavior. It can't even be considered stalking because the person doesn't feel stalked. What Mariah is raving about, on the other hand, is definite cause for a restraining order. If someone said that stuff to me, I wouldn't want them within 500 feet of me. I'm telling you, the chick is just CRAZY!!


JLANE said...

I decided to rummage through your archives. Don't think I read this one.

Dude you are till stalking, on a smaller scale, but stalking are covertly obtaining info to achieve the goal of getting a shot to see the person. You're a modern day paparrazi without the camera.

Anonymous said...

I love this.... I was thinking the same thing I when I bought Mimi last year. Bitch has lost it!