Delete

Thank God for unlimited text messages. I text messaged damn near everyone in my phone book with the good news. I finally did it!! I was finally able to do what I couldn't do for the past 3 years!!! I deleted him.
I turned my cell off Sunday night because the battery was basically dead. When I woke up Monday morning and turned my phone on it immediately went off with a voicemail notification. So I check my messages as I'm brushing my teeth. The recorded voice lady is saying some crap that I'm not paying attention to, when all of a sudden I hear a voice that I recognize but can't place. Then he says it. "Liz, this is The Idiot Who Made You Cry. Call me back. Lata." WHAT!! I'm so NOT expecting him to call. He hasn't called in a month. I press repeat. "Liz, this is The Idiot Who Made You Cry. Call me back. Lata." Repeat ".....Call me back. Lata." Repeat "...Call me back.." Repeat "...Call me back.." Arrggghhhhh. DELETE! Now what?
I didn’t call back. I have no clue what he wants or if he wants anything at all. I’m past the point of caring really. I won’t pretend that part of me doesn’t want to speak to this man. I will readily admit that a big part of me does. But that is the last thing I need to do right now. Getting sucked back into the abyss that is me and him is pointless. I didn't quite get that when he broke up with me via voicemail and then didn't speak to me for 10 months. I missed the memo again when I wound up in his bed a year and a half later only to not speak to him afterwards. And I wasn't quite grasping the concept when him saying, "I want to see you when you come home," turned into watching the NBA finals with him and his new girlfriend. But I think I've finally got it now. And it only took me three years to figure it out (I wasn't in the gifted classes for nothing ya know). This isn't going to work out. It's the same damn thing over and over again. We start getting remotely close, he disappears. In 3 years the story has never changed and it never will.
For so long I thought that whenever he came back in my life (sometimes with a little help from me...okay damn near all the time) after being absent for weeks or months that I had won some sort of victory. I mean, he contacted ME first, not the other way around. So of course if he initiated contact, he must want something, right! Ummm, how about WRONG! He never wants anything. The second I make myself available again, he's suddenly unavailable. I'm home for weeks and barely see him. The second I leave he's calling me to ask when I'm coming back. He never wants me around unless I'm not around. It drives me crazy.
The worst part about it all is that I blame myself. I let him do this to me. I may be really good at not calling him, but I'm really bad at not picking up the phone when he calls me. I answer the IMs, I return the phone calls, I go to his place to kick it whenever he invites me. I just keep it going. The strange thing is that if I'm honest with myself I don't want to be with him. Seriously! I don't! I talk to him and hang out with him because I genuinely do like him as a person. I want to be friends with him. He's a great guy and we get along splendidly. There's just this thing between us that gets in the way. It's always been there and it doesn't go away. The more we hang out the more obvious that thing becomes. But all that chemistry is just a bridge going nowhere. I don't know why I even get my hopes up and start thinking that maybe for once in his life he'll drink his ackrite and stop acting like an overgrown toddler. But I do, and he always disappoints me. Why stay on this ride when it keeps making me ill? So this is where I get off. I'm done. He's sending me instant messages now, "Hello....Hello....Hello....You there?...." Oh well. DELETE.