The Brain Dump

Get On My Level

2007-08-03T19:32:00.000-05:00

"You scare me."
My eyebrow shot up and I adjusted the phone against my ear. "I scare you?" I repeated, wanting to be sure I heard him correctly.
"Yeah, you scare me."
Laughter erupted from my gut, loud and uncontrollable. In my 27 years I have elicited quite a few reactions from quite a few men. However this was the first time I'd scared one of them, at least within the first conversation.
I had met him two days earlier at the car dealership where I got my key fab replaced.
"You know your tail light is busted," he had said as he handed me my keys.
"A basketball pole hit my car," I informed him. A smirk played at the corners of my mouth. "I'll get around to getting it fixed."
"Um, okay."
He disappeared around a corner, and I headed to my car. As I pulled out of the service garage I saw him wiping down an SUV in the parking lot. He held up his hand to get me to stop for a second.
"What's up?" I asked, rolling down my window. I was hoping he hadn't noticed anything else wrong with my car.
"I just wanted to tell you that you are a very attractive woman."
I took a second to look at him. His skin was a smooth mahagony and he had a shy smile accented by a slighly crooked bottom tooth. He was tall and slim, yet not skinny.
"Thank you. You're cute too," I replied.
We exchanged phone numbers and agreed that we'd speak whenever either one of us called. When my phone rang 48 hours later this wasn't how I expected our first conversation to go. Small talk, yes. Abject terror not so much
"How exactly do I scare you?" I asked.
"I've never met anyone like you before. You're intimidating."
"How so?"
"You're on a whole nother level than me." He explained that it was shocking to meet a woman who was educated, had her own place, could put together three sentences without cursing, and displayed absolutely no signs of ghettoness.
I got the feeling that he thought of me as some mythical beast he'd only heard about during story time at sleep away camp, never imagining that this rare creature existed.
"Trust me, I'm really very nice. Not scary at all. You'll see tomorrow when we have lunch," I said in an effort to allay his fears.
"Actually, I don't think I'm ready to hang out with you yet."
Once again my eyebrow shot up. "What do you mean not ready? How ready to do you have to be to eat lunch?"
"I can just tell that I'm not on your level and if I hang out with you, you would run right over me."
I twirled my index finger through my twisted hair, mulling his words over in my head. He was definitely right. I could steamroll him easily. It hadn't taken long for me to assess that it wouldn't be difficult for me to confuse and manipulate him. His conversation skills were basic, going no further than simple question and answer. He lacked a sharp wit and wasn't too quick on the uptake. Still, he was sweet and mildly amusing. Plus he was respectful, so I had no intentions of taking advantage, not even designs on a free meal.
"But you were the one who asked me to chill tomorrow, remember?" I reminded him.
"I know, but now I don't think I can do it. I mean don't get me wrong, I want to hang out with you. I just have to prepare myself first." He offered to reschedule for later in the month.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The man was breaking a "date" (and I use that term VERY loosely) within an hour of making it, not because he had a prior engagement that initially slipped his mind, but because he was scared of a woman who could function as an adult. Something was very wrong with that picture.
"Oh come on, it's not that big a deal. It's just lunch. It'll be fun." I spent the next half hour trying to convince him to change his mind. It wasn't that I was dying to go out with him. Far from it. Although he was a cutie, he wasn't my type at all. He lacked the charisma, charm, and borderline arrogance that I find attractive in a man. Still, it would've been cool to go to a restaurant with someone other than myself for once. Besides I should've been the one skipping out on him, not the other way around.
He held firm and eventually, I gave up. I could take the L because I wasn't really losing anything. Any guy who admits up front that you're too good for him isn't worth the wasted breath. Since he made such a big deal about a simple lunch, I'm not too keen on the idea of being friends. There's too much expectation attached. It's too bad we won't be homies. He could've detailed my car.

Now What

2007-04-05T14:45:00.000-05:00

It's official. I won't be spending the latter half of 2007 the way I envisioned. No classes, no workshops, no papers. I held out hope until the last rejection arrived this afternoon. At least now I don't have to be scared of what's in the mailbox. But then again, there's nothing to look forward to when I check the mail either.
If I said I wasn't disappointed, that would be a lie. It hurts, badly. I wanted this. And not just because it was a way out of a life that closes in on me a bit more each day. But moreso because if I got this it would be confirmation that I really do have a talent and that my words could take me places I can't even imagine. Right now I feel deluded, like I fooled myself into thinking I'm better than I am. I can already hear my parents false comfort when I tell them. "Oh I'm sorry....so how about business school?"
The worst part is now I have to make other plans. I can't continue where I'm at. I've been trying to move on for more than a year, yet I'm still in the same place doing the same thing. Yes, I can keep writing and apply again next year. But in the meantime, I need a change. I'm so desperate for something new I practically bang my head against walls in frustration. There are no job prospects, query letters are unanswered, and grad school isn't going to happen this fall. With no options, what's a girl to do?

Comfort Food

2007-03-30T21:39:00.000-05:00

It's past 9 p.m., closer to 10, and I have yet to shower today. The smells emanating from my crevices occassional waft past my unsuspecting nostrils. My bed sheets stink. I should do something. Hours ago, I contemplated working out, popping in the DVD featuring sleek women with taut abs and a visible line between shoulders and biceps. "Squat, round your back, flatten, and stand," the leader always instructs. I told myself I'd follow her cues after an afternoon nap, then after a snack, then after one more page read. With those tasks complete, all I want to do is eat a brownie sundae. My tongue can taste the warm sweet chocolate cooled by even sweeter vanilla ice cream. I can feel the thick fudge coating the back of my throat. I want it, badly. But I want to look like the women on the DVD even more. Besides Pizza Hut at breakfast time did enough damage for today.
If I sit here long enough the need to fill myself should pass. I'll think of my full stomach, protruding against my too large sweatshirt and remind myself of the guilt that will stay with me long after the sugar, fat, and calories have passed from my system. That should tide me over, knowing that I won't like myself after I enjoy myself. Worse, I'll still have this craving that decadence can't satisfy. I'll still need to know that my life will head where I want it to go, while door after door shuts in my face. What I want most in life can't be served on a plate, and if I can't have it, then I'll settle for the body a brownie sundae won't let me have.

Por Favor

2007-03-26T22:38:00.000-05:00

Dear ABC:

YouTube has compelled me to ask you for a huge, ginormous, astronomical favor. I could possibly be asking for too much, but what the hell. I'll never know unless I put it out there. After way too many nights spent staying up until 4 a.m. to watch just one more episode on my computer, I beseech you to bring back My So Called Life. Yes, I realize that it's been about twelve years since the show aired and you assume that everyone has long since forgotten that Angela got into Jordan's car immediately after Brian Krakow admitted that he was the one who wrote the letter that made Angela forgive Jordan in the first place. Well, I haven't forgotten and after more than a decade of wondering what happens next, I don't think that I ever will.

Now I know it seems a little far fetched to bring back a show that has been off the air since the Clinton administration and pick up right where you left off, but I guarantee that there is still an audience that has been waiting with baited breath for this series to continue. In fact, I went to high school with a girl who looked just like Angela, from the red shoulder length bob to the Doc Martins and tight lipped smile. She even had a crush on this boy with chin length air, stubble, and an unbelievable ability to wear the hell out of a mechanic's shirt - totally hot. I know in my heart of hearts that she still pines for more MSCL. Don't worry about a time slot. Just cancel that melodramatic, horribly acted, ill conceived joke of a show, October Road and it's all set.

Of course you'll have to get the same actors and use the same sets. I've already googled the entire cast and they're all still alive. Now you should hurry and get the relaunch together because I don't know how much longer Jordan Cat- err I mean Jared Leto is going to exist in the land of the living. Besides, anything could happen (car accident, earthquake, freak lipo accident) and any member of MSCL could be gone before this undertaking even begins. Yes, I do realize that Angela, well Claire is no longer 16 years old, and Jord- damn it I mean Jared may not even be male anymore, but that completely doesn't matter. I'm totally willing to ignore the fact that Danielle will be the most adult looking 10 year old EVER just to know what happens after Angela gets in the car with Jordan. Plus I need to know if Graham sleeps with Halley Lowenthal. Thought I forgot about that little subplot? Nope, I didn't!!

Just to clarify, I'm not asking for a reunion to find out what Angela, Jordan, Rayanne, Sharon, and company are up to now. No, I want the next episode to pick up where the last one left off. Additionally, I'd also like the remainder of Season 1 to air. Wrap up the story nice and pretty so that I can finally sleep at night.

Granted, it may be a little bit difficult to successfully pull off this production, but whatever difficulties you may experience are really of your own making. You dumb asses never should've cancelled the show in the first place. And for what? So you could bring us real winners like Brothers Keeper, Two of a Kind, and Vengeance Unlimited. At least people remember and miss My So Called Life. Prematurely pulling the plug was one of the biggest travesties in all of television history and honestly, it's up to you to rectify this egregious mistake. Do it for me, do it for the flannel and Doc Martins generation, do it for Brian Krakow!

Sincerely,

MSCL's #1 Fan

Ready and Willing

2007-03-25T18:39:00.000-05:00

I have a laundry list of wants: a thin body, huge hair, admission to grad school, a life in New York, a new BCBG dress, and a littany of other things. He isn't on the list. Yes, I want a man, but not him. When something good happens to me, I don't feel the urge to share it with him. On a horrible day, he's not the person I call to vent to. Thoughts of him do not fill my idle time. My visions for the future do not include him.
Then he called, and I ran straight to him, 140 miles down the highway just because he asked me to hang out. Within two hours I was running from him, livid after yet another retread of the same argument we've been having for the past six months. Friends tell me I never should have gone to see him, remind me that I had said I was done with him. They're right. I am done. I'm done with arguing with him, missing him, and yearning for us to be like we were before the insanity set in. I don't want to go back to him.
But if he asked, I would. And he has asked. Each time he does I enter the ring for another round and get knocked out harder than the last time. Even though I don't want to work things out, I'm willing to try if he is. With him, I'm sixteen years old again, making decisions based on what others will or won't do. If he's not talking to me, then I'm not talking to him. If he wants to spend time with me, then I'm willing to drive to the ends of the earth to spend some time with him.
Is he worth it? Probably not. It's just that I can't seem to bring myself to give up on us. He's a hot mess, but Team Us is amazing. I can definitely live without us if us isn't a possibility. However, each time he comes back around it's as though he's saying we are definitely possible. And my gut never fails to tell me that passing up an opportunity to get us back is plain wrong.
I can't keep doing this. The fight gets a little worse each time we have it and the damage that much more evident. I'm done, for the third time (or maybe it's the fourth or fifth). I am not speaking to him. I am not missing him. I don't want a damn thing from him. But what I want to do has never been as big a problem as what I'm willing to do.

Talk To Me

2007-03-07T22:44:00.000-05:00

In the five years since we met I had never seen him as anything more than a short (5'9"), obnoxious, constantly inebriated Jamaican who made an unsuccessful attempt to woo my best friend. All characteristics I try to avoid in men. Then one night, as the hours mounted on my cell phone screen, I found myself drawn to him and thinking to myself, "Maybe..." He wasn't saying anything special, but I didn't want to get off the phone. One topic flowed smoothly into the next with nary an akward silence. We finished each other's sentences and traded sarcastic one liners, claiming, "You left yourself open for that one." Even when my bladder was about to burst I couldn't bear to put him on hold for a moment and break the steady rhythm of conversation and laughter. After four hours and countless "I should go to bed"s that turned into another half hour of chatter we managed to hang up. Pressing END, I no longer thought about all that was wrong with him and considered the possibility that he could just be Mr. Right.
More than five months of melodramatic bullshit proved that he was all wrong for me. Still, as I sat across the restaurant table from my date with The White Boy two weeks ago I found myself missing that Alcoholic West Indian. The date wasn't bad. In fact it could actually be considered good. Yummy food, lots of compliments, funny jokes, no embarassing mishaps. However, something imperceptible was askew. Actually, that something was so indiscernable that I don't think he noticed anything was kind of off. Although the only time we weren't talking was when our mouths were full of pasta or steak, for me the conversation was still lacking. Sure, he asked questions and I answered in detail. He told me all about combat in Iraq, bootcamp, and his many military maneuvers. We got to know each other.
And that was the problem. It wasn't a conversation. It was an info dump. While most of what I learned about The Whiteboy was definitely interesting, it was nothing I wanted to know right away. I understand that the purpose of a first date is for two people to get to know each other and I'm fine with that. But for me, getting to know someone should be like a mining for diamonds. The thrill lies in the unexpected discoveries that are buried underneath the superficial sand. Where's the fun if everything is presented up front?
As he told me how attractive he thought I was I couldn't help but think to myself, The Alcoholic West Indian wouldn't say that. And when he recounted tales from his misguided youth I thought, The Alcoholic West Indian would save that story for a later date. Then I racked my brain to figure out what The Alcoholic West Indian actually would talk about and it finally hit me. NOTHING!
The entire reason why I fell for The Alcoholic West Indian's short, obnoxious, constantly inebriated ass in the first place was the exact same reason I fell for The Idiot Who Made Me Cry. We could spend hours talking about absolutely nothing. From the physics behind deoderant chunks on armpit hair to the unending quotables uttered by my future husband Jay-Z we could talk about anything without ever having tell each other about ourselves. Who we are came through loud and clear so there was no reason to ask or answer any questions. And if a certain topic led to the telling of a personal story that was great, but nothing was ever told just to have something to say.
Don't get me wrong, I did have fun on my date with The Whiteboy. We even hung out the very next day and I'll probably spend more time with him in the future. But it won't go anywhere. Chemistry is created in conversation and he just doesn't know how to talk to me.

Trial and Error

2007-03-06T22:13:00.000-05:00

If anyone asks me why I did it, I can give them a lot of reasons. It was 3 a.m. and delirium had set in hours ago. Boredom led me to it. My friend was laughing and I wanted to laugh too. Hello, it was a joke. I had nothing better to do. Morbid curiosity is a bitch. Everyone else was doing it. I was in an emotional downward spiral. Or I could just blame Beyonce for making me keenly aware that I couldn't say he wasn't irreplaceable if I didn't have a replacement for him. Ummm, it was free.

Under normal circumstances I never would have typed my full name along with other personal information, chosen a screenname, and joined ChristianCafe.com, an online dating site. But with all those reasons working together to conspire against me I couldn't help myself. All of the girls at church were doing it. And although their searches yielded less than stellar results, I figured, "why the hell not?" Did I mention it was three in the morning.

Within seconds of registering I received a confirmation email.

Step 1: Complete Your Profile

Q:"What are you looking for in a mate?"

A: I'll know it when I see it

Q: "What role does your faith play in your life?"

A: God's my homie!

Q: "What are some of your hobbies and interests?"

A: Boys and shopping

Step 2: Add a picture - picture must be approved by site before it becomes visible to members.

I'm thinking this picture might not pass inspection . So I'll go with this one. Nothing says wholesome Christian chick like Sesame Street.

Step 3: Sit back and wait for the men to flock.

Easy peasy. Or maybe not. The first two days of the two week trial were uneventful. My profile received several views, but no winks, instant messages, or "hey baby, will you marry me" emails. I'm not into the online dating thing (it's too structured for me. I hate knowing a man's intentions up front), but I was kind of disappointed. I get hit on all the time on non dating websites (social networking is NOT dating so myspace doesn't count), so I was expecting guys to see the fro and the smile then fall in love. Not that I was looking for love or anything of the sort. But somewhere in the back of my mind I kept thinking that maybe, just maybe someone great would sort of find me and we'd sort of hit it off and just when I least expected it I'd be in a sort of quasi relationship with the man of my dreams.

I wanted to make the most of my two week trial. So I went back and edited my profile. I lengethened my answers and tried to temper my wry, sarcastic wit (which Christian guys apparently aren't into) with some straightforwardness (is that a word?). I quoted my favorite scripture (Deuteronomy 6:4), gave a brief description of why my last "relationship" didn't work (he's an asshole), and delved into my love of tap dance and tae kwon do. Satisfied that I had given an accurate, slightly humorous, and detailed account of myself I sat back and waited for the magic to happen.

Well not quite sat back. More like checked my account every 10 minutes to see if I got any hits. Sure enough my profile views increased. And several hours later I received my first message. It was from an overweight 60 something female in my area looking for pen pals. Not quite what I was looking for, but possibly a springboard to better possibilities, no? Better came in the form of an emaciated 40 year old from Sweden who saw my profile and immediately wanted to explore a serious relationship. That little thing called the Atlantic Ocean didn't deter him at all.

When I first signed up for ChristianCafe I promised myself that I would NOT utilize the site's search function to find attractive, eligible men in my area to stalk...umm, I mean contact. I was only using the free trial for experimental purposes and I have a very firm "no trolling for men" policy. Promises are meant to be broken. Looking through the profiles of every 24-34 year old man in the Great Lakes region over 5'10 with a picture, I quickly realized that not searching would've yielded the same results.

By Day 5 I was completely baffled as to why anyone would pay to be a member of that site. I'd received numerous messages from men with bad teeth and no command of the English language.

"Hi. You look nice womn. I very much like too meet yu. I from Nigeria and now life in France. Call so we get married. Love you, Jasper."

The rare men who actually could get his subject and verbs to agree were still a hot ass mess.

"Hi. My name is John. I'm 34 and work for the Department of Corrections in Macon, GA. I enjoy long walks, candlelit dinners, and reading poetry by the fire. I like your profile. If you'd like to email me we can get to know each other via email for exactly 2 weeks. If at the end of two weeks things go smoothly, we shall proceed to talking on the phone. Then we will spend quality time together as just friends to see if we are compatible. Within six months we should be engaged. The wedding will be six months later. Can't wait to hear from you."

Like I said, I have issues with clearly stated intentions.

By day 10 I'd pretty much lost any hope of success. Then something interesting happened. Late one evening while I was surfing the net to get my mind off the fact that the Alcoholic West Indian wasn't speaking to me, I received an instant message.

"Hi! I like your profile. Write back if you want to chat."

It wasn't clever nor witty, but it was in readable English and didn't contain a marriage proposal so it was good enough for me. I wrote back. Something short, polite, and marginally flirtatious. During four days of correspondence I found out that he worked in the Navy and was currently at sea, enjoyed cooking, and was looking forward to hitting dry land. Unfortunately he didn't look enough like Denzel for me to ignore the fact that he was in his mid forties. His time was up when my free trial ended.

ChristianCafe didn't want me to go. They plied me with emails of special discounts and notifications that my profile was still being viewed by wonderful men who could only contact me if I paid CC $90.95 for a three month membership. And for a second, the wheels in my head turned and a little voice said I could be missing an opportunity with a man who really wanted to get to know me but couldn't because I'm not a ChristianCafe member. Then I remembered that that man was probably 5'6" with less than stellar oral hygeine who rode a moped to his job herding goats in the hills of Norway. There's not a good enough reason in the world to make me sign up for that.

Not That Kind of Girl

2007-02-21T00:15:00.000-05:00

I have a date. I don't know where or what time. Just a vague agreement to get together on Friday night. I should probably shave my legs, do some laundry, get a bikini wax, stay away from food for the next 72 hours, tweeze my eyebrows, and get my nails done; but I won't. I'm not compelled. There are no butterflies in my stomach, no daydreams of candlelit dinners in my head. I'm not nervous, nor am I excited. My reaction is no reflection on him. He seems nice, amusing, and generally cool. It's not him, it's me.
I hate dating. Actually, I loathe it with every fiber of my being. The idea of spending two hours or more with a practical stranger playing "getting to know you" while pretending to have fun makes me want to throw up in my mouth. Conversations about what I look for in a man peppered with compliments on how great I am make my head hurt. Getting picked up at the beginning of the night and trying to determine whether or not to kiss at the end of it does nothing but raise my blood pressure.
So then why did I agree to go out with this guy? No. It's not for a free meal (although I will not turn one down if offered). I'm bored and I need something to do. For the past six months my Friday nights have consisted of grad school applications, television, fast food, and web surfing. I can go days without seeing another person and figured human interaction would do me some good. Now I'm not so sure. My couch is much more appealing than a date.
Don't get me wrong, I definitely desire male companionship. It's just that I prefer to get that companionship without going on a date. To me dates are stifling and forced. You're obviously out with that person to see if there is "something there." It's like the entire night has an objective and meeting that objective is a huge cloud over everything that's said and done. No thank you!
Obviously, I've gotten close (very close) to a few men here and there in my 26 years. Interestingly, the men I've been closest to never asked me on a date. We wound up together accidentally. I fell for the Idiot Who Made Me Cry when I went over to his place to watch a movie. I knew the Alcoholic West Indian for years before I even considered him a viable member of the opposite sex. The Guy Who Shouldn't Make Me Cry....well I don't even know how the hell that started, but I know it wasn't with a date. All of these "relationships" developed unconsciously. We were hanging out, talking, and chilling when all of a sudden something clicked. There was no pressure to like one another because that was never the original intention. None of them asked to get to know me better, they just did it. No one stated any intentions, made any overtures, or set anything up. It all just happened. I guess they spoiled me. When everything starts so easily the idea of trying to put something in motion is exhausting. True, none of those situations ended very well (although I'm not sure that two of the three have actually ended). Hmmmm....maybe that approach doesn't work too well over the long haul. And while it is true that doing the same thing over and over with the same result is the definition of insanity, I think I'd prefer to drive myself crazy for a little while longer. It beats the hell out staring across from a perfect stranger as he asks,"So what are you looking for in a man?"

Same Old Story

2007-02-16T20:03:00.000-05:00

I have an irrational fear of relationships. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being snuggled up on a couch with a 6'0 piece of man candy as he gets his fingers tangled in my wooly fro. Whispering words of endearment over the phone gives me butterflies. I love being in serious like. My problem is the actual idea of a full fledged relationship. The responsibility of having to consider someone else besides myself, the commitment, the labels. It makes my skin crawl. No matter how much I like a guy the idea of him being my boyfriend scares the shit out of me.
And yet whenever something "new" starts, I always envision it lasting for a long while. In those daydreams I see the gift exchange at Christmas, me giving him something personal with tons of sentimental value that shows that I've been paying attention for the last three months. I envision the soft, lingering kiss at the stroke of midnight on Jan 1. And of course I see the most romantic movie night, complete with 80s blockbusters and extra cheese pan pizza on Valentines Day (hey, I'm a cheap date). Mind you all of this will of course occur without an actual relationship.
Oh, the best laid plans. I have a great habit of getting into something new during the summer and falling out of it right in time keep those visions of winter holiday snuggling bliss as strictly visions.
And this year is of course no different. Valentines day came and went with not a phone call, card, or gift from any man expressing his undying devotion (at least for the day) for me. I don't know if I'm disappointed or not. See, I don't really know if I was supposed to expect anything this year. The possibility of the Alcoholic West Indian making a reappearance for Cupid's day was a longshot. He's still got another two months of not speaking to me before he shows back up. But The Guy Who Shouldn't Make Me Cry (and lately is NOT) is definitely back in the picture. The thing is this time, everything is a lot more casual. And not because I'm playing casual just so he won't think I'm a clingy chick and maybe stick around for a while, but because honestly I don't want to be that serious and neither does he. Yet, it still would've been nice to get more than a chain text message to the effect that if I get this rose @>------- from 10 people then I'm really loved. One out of ten, what does that say?

Gross Negligence

2007-01-10T13:11:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I've been neglecting the blog. Grossly neglecting it. I'm in the midst of applying to graduate school. Three apps are finished and I have three more to go. I have a million and one blog entries in my head but no time to really get into everything that's been going on with me in the last month or so. I swear I'll get to it as soon as I'm finished with the last application. In the meantime, I'll post some more of the short story I've been working on recently. Hope you like it. And if you have any feedback, that's even better..............

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I wish...”
“I know you do, Jaelyn.” She smoothed a hand over her hair, securing several stray tendrils behind her ear. “But anyways, how’s school?”
Goose bumps rose on my skin. I ran a hand up and down my arm with vigorous strokes in a vain attempt to create the heat the room lacked. “It’s cool. Just a bunch of exams, papers, and group projects that I don’t have any interest in doing.”
“Hey, don’t slack off now. I don’t care what anyone tells you, senior year grades are important so you’ve got to stay focused if you want to get into med school.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me! I’m serious. Look, I’ve been there so I know.”
“Yeah, I get it. You’re an expert on everything. Can you spare me the lecture?”
“What’s your problem?”
I chewed the inside of my lip and shook my head. “Nothing. I just don’t feel like talking about school, that’s all.”
“Alright,” she said slowly, “what do you want to talk about then?”
“I don’t know. Don’t really have much to say.”
“Then why are you here?”
“What do you mean, why am I here? Obviously, I’m here to see you.”
“So you can take up space then tell yourself you’ve done your good deed for the day? Don’t do me any favors, Jaelyn.”
“You are so ungrateful!” I paused for a moment to gather my thoughts. “I got a question for you. Who else has been up here to see you? Christine? Nope. How about your best friend, Devin? Not so much. Oh, and all your fellow attorneys at the firm? That’s right, you haven’t seen them either.”
“Thanks for the reminder. I really needed that,” her voice dripped with sarcasm.
I leaned my elbows on the tiny table top in front of me and stifled a yawn. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. But I woke up at the butt crack of dawn, suffered through a two hour bus ride with the world’s grossest scumbags, and damn near had a body cavity search just to come and spend some time with you. The least you could do is appreciate that.”
“Do you want a medal? I’m your sister, that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
I opened my mouth to fight back, but thought better of it. Changing the subject was easier.
“What have you been up to since the last time I was here? Started dealing cigarettes yet?”
She cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brows. “Where would you get an idiotic idea like that?”
“Lifetime Movie of the Week, of course.”
A smile teased the corner of her lips until it exploded into a full grin. “You’re a damn fool.”
Laughter erupted from the pit of my stomach, a pleasant distraction from our concrete and steel surroundings.
“On the real, if there’s one thing I miss since I’ve been in here it’s Lifetime. Brendan used to make fun of me all the time for watching it, but that man just didn’t know. Those movies are good as hell!”
I stared at my sister in shocked disbelief. She had said his name.
“Has anyone from his family…?” Her voice trailed off as I shook my head.
“Give them some time,” I reassured. “It hasn’t been that long. They could still come around.”
“No. I killed him. Ain’t enough time in the world to get over that.”

Just a taste

2006-12-16T01:29:00.000-05:00

Since I've barely been posting for the last couple of months, I figured I'd do something different. I'm not going to lie and say that none of the blog neglect was due to laziness. About 50% of it was. But, the other 50% was more noble. Grad school apps are due this month and next and they all require a writing sample. I've never posted my fiction on my blog for many reasons (paranoia about plagarism and idea theft being high on the list), but I figured it can't hurt too much to post a smidge of what I've been working on. I really do appreciate everyone who reads my blog, especially now that I'm so disengaged from the blogosphere.
So here's a bit of my short story entitled "Captive." Hope you enjoy it.

*Special thanks to my editors: Chesty LaRue, Jailbait, and BP. You guys brought out the best in me.
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The combined stench of stale cigarettes, urine, and body odor assaulted me as I stepped through the thick steel door. The long, narrow room stretched more than 50 feet ahead of me, dead ending into a gray brick wall. There were no windows to offer any proof that the outside world existed. Noticing the dirt caked into the linoleum floor, I immediately bent over and fashioned a large cuff at the hem of the jeans that billowed over my sneakers. The steel door slamming shut behind me jarred me upright and I could feel the goose bumps rise on my skin. I ran my hands up and down my arms with vigorous strokes in a vain attempt to create the heat the room lacked.

Under the hazy fluorescent light, I studied the slip of paper they had given me. Window fifteen – at the far end. Careful not to look at anyone, I trudged to where the number 15 was stenciled on the floor in faded black paint. Pulling a wad of tissue from my purse, I wiped down the seat to remove any remnants of the previous occupant and sat down hesitantly.

A series of short buzzes pierced the air, and a heavy metal door swung open. I watched through bullet proof glass as an officer escorted her toward the chair across from me. Her steps were deliberate and she kept her eyes trained on the floor. She was losing weight. The drab blue uniform swallowed her once curvaceous 5’7” frame.

In the narrow walkway she passed another inmate, their shoulders colliding. She gave the woman a hard shove that sent her staggering backward. Before the confrontation could escalate, the officer stepped between them, saying something inaudible. He positioned his face inches from hers and jabbed his finger against her chest as she stared at the ceiling, her chin up and face turned from his lecture. Seconds later she gave him a perfunctory nod then sauntered to her chair.

I pulled the sleeve of my sweater over my hand and picked up the receiver.

“Samara, what the hell was that about?” I asked.

“What was what about?”

“Don’t play dumb. I saw what happened.”

She flashed an innocent smile, but offered no explanation.

“Forget it. Anyways, how are you?”

“How do you think I am?”

“I don’t know. You look good.”

She shot me a weary glance and sighed.

I wasn’t lying. Her butterscotch skin was clear, and she still managed to maintain her perfectly arched eyebrows. The dark brown eyes that illuminated her face were wide and alert. She obviously wasn’t spending her commissary on cigarettes because her teeth gleamed white. Only the dark circles under her eyes marred her appearance.

She studied me for a few seconds then said, “Have you been to the gym lately?”

“Why?” I gave her a quizzical look.

“You look like you might be gaining a few pounds. I’d hate to see you put the weight back on.”

Looking down at the pooch that hung over my belt, I wrapped my arm around my body and hugged myself close. “It’s not enough that I have to hear this stuff from Mommy? Now you’ve gotta start with me, too?”

“How is Mom?”

“Not bad. She’s hanging in there.”

“And Auntie?” She ran down the list of family and friends and I assured her that everyone was okay.

“Do you need anything? How’s your commissary?” It didn’t matter how much she asked for, I was ready to give it to her.

She laughed, short and bitter. “Fuck the commissary. I want my life back.”

Unfortunately that was the one thing I couldn’t give; not since the judge sentenced her to 25 years to life.

The Miracle of Hanukkah 2006

2006-12-15T23:57:00.000-05:00

I just experienced my first Hanukkah miracle! NYU extended the application deadline by two days! Praise God!!

The Final Countdown

2006-12-14T02:47:00.000-05:00

My first grad school application is due in less than 2 days. The writing sample is only 3/4 finished, the personal essay is 0% to target, and one of my recommenders is nowhere to be found. Sweet!

Questioning

2006-11-30T23:31:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was a little girl, I've always liked boys. I can still remember the crush my four-year-old self had on my next door neighbor with the mop of brown hair and a penchant for shirtless yard work. My heterosexuality was confirmed young. But lately, I've been having these thoughts. Not really thoughts, but moreso flashbacks. A couple months ago I met a girl and I don't quite know how it happened, but we kissed.
We met in front of my grandmother's house in the north Bronx. She was walking up the block with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in over two years and I was standing on the stoop. We locked eyes and she immediately entered the slightly ajar gate leading to the front walk. I introduced myself with a handshake and invited them both inside. Her energy was amazing. She ran around the house, exploring the new environment.
"Would you like some water," I offered.
She eagerly accepted the tap water I placed before her and within minutes it was gone. In her excitement to have a drink she even spilled half of it on the kitchen floor. No bother, I just wiped up the mess with some paper towels and headed back to the living room so we could get to know each other.
For the next half hour she wouldn't leave my side. I tried to engage our mutual friend in conversation but she kept interrupting. Usually I'm bothered when someone doesn't let me get a word in, but her interruptions were so endearing I didn't even notice. What I did notice is that she kept laying her head in my lap. Now, I'm a pretty affectionate person. I have no problem putting an arm around a female friend or cuddling close to one of my guy friends, but this situation was weird. True, we were hitting it off great, but we'd just met. That type of closeness made me uncomfortable.
"Stop doing that!" our friend would tell her.
She'd do what he said for a minute or two and then come right back into my personal space. While I didn't want her hanging all over me, I also didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. Whenever she came close to me, I ran my hand up and down her back. She was extremely fit and I could feel her muscles through her coat.
I think I might've rubbed her back a bit too long because before I knew it she pinned me to my chair and started kissing me. Her tongue was EVERYWHERE. My lips, my cheeks, my chin were covered in saliva. I tried to push her off of me but she was too strong.
"No! Stop!" I screamed. In the midst of my protests she slipped her tongue in my mouth. Immediately, I closed my mouth and turned my head to the side so she couldn't try that move again.
Meanwhile our friend looked on, consumed by a fit of giggles, guffaws, and gasps. In all the commotion he was still able to snap a couple of pictures of the girl on girl action with his camera phone.
After what felt like an eternity, she finally let me go then casually walked to the other side of the room as though nothing happened. The second I was free, I ran to the bathroom and scrubbed my face with St. Ives Apricot Scrub and brushed my teeth with Colgate Total. Unfortunately I didn't have any bleach. When I felt sufficiently clean I rejoined my guests in the living room.
The moment I reentered the room she rushed back to my side. When she stood on her hind legs and started humping my right leg I knew that she wanted more than the kiss we just shared. I disengaged myself from her paws and kept my distance for the rest of the day. She was way too aggressive for my liking. I mean, can't a girl at least get a few hours to process the fact that she just had her first same sex kiss?
Days later as the events of that day replayed in my head one moment stuck out in my mind. The kiss. Yes, it was sloppy. Yes, it was against my will. No, I didn't kiss her back. But when I thought about it some more, I realized that she had given me the most passionate kiss I'd had in a long time. And she made it a total sensory experience. Not only was I lavished with her tongue, she also got her paws and fur into the action. Maybe she was just trying to hold me when I was fighting her off? In hindsight making out with her wasn't bad at all. In fact, it might've even been enjoyable.
So now I sit here with something of a conundrum on my hands. Since she is a girl and I'm a girl and we kissed and I think I liked it, does that make me a lesbian? Or just bi?

I Promise

2006-11-27T23:52:00.000-05:00

When is a promise no longer valid? If you swear up and down about ANYTHING are you held to it no matter what? Are the promises you make to a person contigent upon who that person is to you when you made the promise.

This summer, I made a promise. Actually it was more of an assertion. I swore that a male friend was just that, a friend. I promised that nothing physical or romantic would ever occur between us because we just "aren't like that." When asked if anything physical or romantic had already occurred I was honest. Yes, but that was a long time ago and things are different now. Not only would it not happen again, it simply couldn't. I was firm.

I said those things because I truly believed them. Plus, I was trying to prove a point. I have been told by several men that I have too many male friends and that there is absolutely no way in hell that all of those inter-sex friendships could possibly be 100% platonic. And I have always argued that men and women can totally be just friends. MY friends are NOT trying to get in my pants nor am I trying to get them to lay on top of me so I can feel a warm body.

So when I told a man who was definitely not just my friend that nothing would ever happen between myself and The Friend, I meant it. I didn't just say it to appease him or to give him a reason stop whining about why The Friend always seemed to call at ungodly hours of the night. I wasn't saying, "Because of you, I won't do that." No guy wants to hear that anyways.
"You're the only thing stopping me from tappin' dat ass" is not exactly reassuring. If there's a possibility then there is definite reason to be concered. But I was saying something totally different. I was saying I wouldn't do it, period.

Last weekend I did it. I had every right to. Things with the man who was definitely not just my friend fell apart weeks ago. I am perfectly free to do whatever I please without worrying about anyone else's feelings. And I'm not necessarily worried about feelings being hurt per say. The problem lies with me. I feel like a liar. I made a promise and I broke it. I didn't make the promise with a built in contingency plan and out clauses. And I'm not that girl that lies to a man just to make him feel better about a situation. Actually I'm honest to a fault divulging more information than what is really needed all in the spirit of full disclosure. Granted, I owe nothing to that man and he has a tendency to be a veritable asshole....yet I still feel bad. Like I've done something to him or was deceptive or something. I can't explain it. Or maybe it's not about him and more about me. I have no problem lying to my parents, boss, IRS (just kidding), etc. but when it comes to who I say I am I prefer to be truthful. And I feel like a hypocrite. I might say I am just friends with each and every one of my male friends but am I really? How much would it take for me to fall into a similar situation with another guy I claim is "just my friend." Maybe I should just NEVER say never again.

Chicken

2006-11-07T00:11:00.000-05:00

The screen is mocking me, daring me to write something impressive. "Type. Do it. Say something remarkable," it says to me. I put my hands to the keys, but nothing happens. Firefox saves me from the sting of defeat. I promise myself I'll face the Word document again in a few minutes - just a quick browse through My Space, Facebook, Nappturality, my email, back to My Space, check in on Facebook, then back to Nappturality. And before I know it sleep calls and words go unwritten.

It shouldn't be this hard. There was a time when I could turn out twenty five pages in two weeks. I would just sit and stories would pour out of me, filling up page after page with the people, places, and events that existed in my mind. This story only trickles in sporadic spurts leaving more to be desired with every line. I take solace in the dialogue, which is the only part that works. The setting is bland, exposition abrupt, and action non existent. I can do so much better, but for some reason I can't.

Twenty five pages. The equivalent of two ten-page papers and a five-page essay. I have a 165 pages sitting on a jump drive. I did that in five months. 165 pages that are of no use to me now. None of it is good enough. For friends to read, sure it's great. But to hang my future on, to compete with hundreds maybe thousands of other writers. Not so much. So scrap it and write another 25 pages. What's 25 pages? Everything to admissions panels. And right now, nothing I have in me.

Jiminy Cricket

2006-10-25T02:33:00.000-05:00

At the moment my conscience is not allowing me to blog. I have to take the GRE at the end of next month. According to Baron's diagnostic test I won't break 1000 (for those of you who don't know...that's NOT a good look). I must relearn the formulas for area of a circle, area of a triangle, and basic 7th grade math. I must also learn random vocabulary words I will NEVER use.
I have a shitload to write about, unfortunately the graduate admissions offices don't want to hear about my obsession with You Tube and a certain alcoholic West Indian. Nope, they want to hear all about my latest reading material, my condensed life story, and the great works of literature I'm conjuring at the moment. Add to that a 30 page sample of my brilliance. For some reason sending them a link to my blog isn't acceptable.
None of this includes the actual applications that I have to submit between mid December and early January in order to be thrust back into a state of brokosity with little to no health insurance (forget about dental) for the next two years while I pursue an MFA in Creative Writing, which by the way will do nothing to make me employable!
So basically what I'm trying to say is that every time I attempt to participate in a blog related activity (reading, writing, etc.) I am quickly reminded that I am on a strict deadline and I gotta get all the aforementioned shit done, and done well in the next six weeks. If I'm blogging, I'm not studying, writing, or applying and Jiminy says we can't have that.

Used To

2006-10-10T05:14:00.000-05:00

My hair used to be straight, all the way from the roots until the ends curved under my chin. I parted it down the middle and leaned forward so it would swish in front of my face. Then I would sweep my right fingertips across my forehead and tuck the wayward locks behind my left ear.
I used to wear black combat boots. I'd trudge through crowded hallways barely lifting my feet because they weighed ten extra pounds. I always wore flannel with my boots. I liked dark green patterns mixed with gray and cream.
I used to listen to Guns N Roses, not because I really liked them or anything but because everyone else did. Same with Nirvana. I didn't get them. I never knew "aqua sea foam shame." I liked Bush and I got them. I got Buffalo Tom, Oasis, and the Goo Goo Dolls too. They spoke to me. So did Mary. Not from experience because I had none. But their words sounded how I thought they should for when I went through the same thing.
I used to like boys with chin length hair that grazed the tops of their shoulders. Straight or wavy, it didn't matter. I liked their corduroy pants, Chuck Taylors, and auto mechanic shirts. I stared at them all the time.
I used to think I was just like the girls on TV. I was going to be just like them. Weird, smart, misunderstood, awkward, yet adorable enough for a boy with chin length hair and corduroy pants to like me. I used to be able to make Angela Chase's sad face, nose wrinkled, eyes wide, mouth drawn. I used to talk to like Julia Sallinger, complete with hand wringing and head scratching. I used to close my eyes because it was supposed to hurt to look at the world. I don't think it did. But I could emote.
I don't straighten my hair anymore. My combat boots are long gone. I like men with fresh cut Caesars who wear Timbs, Uptowns, or Cole Haans. I think most girls on TV are stupid and have no interest in going through what they do. I can no longer make Angela's sad face. One of my very own replaced it. I get Guns N Roses now. I know what November rain is. The Goo Goo Dolls and Oasis aren't nearly as sad as I thought they were. I don't have to imagine what Mary was experiencing. I'm there and doing my own version of it. I think I prefer emoting. And I wish I still had my flannel shirts.

The Flip Side

2006-09-26T14:16:00.000-05:00

The change was subtle, but unmistakeable. She folded her arms across her chest, shielding herself from me. The gregarious energy that had drawn us together a few hours ago was replaced with a weary countenance. She was still friendly and engaging but she was no longer open. I had trespassed and was no longer wanted.
When he grabbed my waist and pulled me close I saw her staring at us.
"You see that guy right there," she had said a half hour after our initial introduction. "He's so cute. I want him tonight."
We had both arrived alone, but she didn't plan to leave that way. Dancing was her angle. She sashayed toward him and swung her hips to get his attention. Much to her dismay it wasn't enough to keep him entertained. He found his way to me and kept finding me the entire night. I didn't beckon, but I didn't turn him away either. She was the one who wanted him, but I knew I was the one who would get him.
As I watched her over his shoulder, I recognized the look in her eyes. I had been her on so many other nights. I had stared, danced, and flirted to the best of my ability only to watch my target use the same moves on another woman. I had gone home empty handed on more than one occassion, wondering what the other girl had that I didn't. And I had felt the irrational feeling of loss over something that was never mine.
I felt bad being the cause of her disappointment. And I felt worse because I had participated knowingly. But feeling bad didn't stop me from walking over to him at the end of the night and getting his phone number as she looked on.

Pits

2006-09-24T20:01:00.000-05:00

She emerged from the murky lake water, dark hair dripping and water glistening on her olive skin. Her smile was triumphant and proud. She had not backed down, refused to hesitate, and met the challenge.
"Umm, that's not Lake Minnetonka," The Kid informed her.
Triumph dissolved into mortification as she realized her mistake. She had been duped into disrobing in front of a man she had known mere hours.
"You! I'll kill you!" she screamed, trying to wrest leather pants over her wet thighs.
At five years old I couldn't quite grasp the subtleties of what had transpired between Prince and Appolonia as the VHS tape played. What I did know was that I wanted boobs just like hers. Round, ample, perky boobs that bounced when I ran. Even without a lesson on puberty I knew that although my chest looked no different from my older brother's, one day fleshy orbs would grow where none existed.
Then it happened. My best friend KP got her first training bra. She was eleven, I was nine and completely jealous. Although it made sense for her to develop first, I was desperate to play catch up. I spent the entire summer staring at the buds that pressed against her bathing suit's nylon fabric while lamenting the way my pink polka dot bikini top sagged against my body.
The next summer was the same. She kept blooming and I remained dormant. By the time I turned evelen a year later my patience was wearing thin. Fifth grade sex education had taught me about more than just the boobs I desired. I learned that a monthly period, body odor, and pubic hair were going to accompany them. So when I noticed a faint dusting of curly ques sprinkled underneath my arms, I was pretty excited. I was positive that my long coveted breasts were sure to follow. And sure enough they did. That summer two definitive bumps materalized on my chest.
"Do you want to come over and go swimming?" KP stood on my front porch with a beach towel in her hand.
"Yeah, let me go ask my mom."
Within seconds I had permission to play in the new underground, heated pool her grandparents had put in at their home across the street. Immediately I changed into my new black and green two piece. Eager to show off my new figure to the neighborhood kids, I left the T-shirt I normally wore over my bathing suit inside before I sprinted out the door to join the fun.
"Hey! Watch this," I screamed.
I took a running start and jumped off the diving board, tucking my knees to my chest to form the perfect cannon ball. Water flew in all directions. I surfaced and swam toward the shallow end. My next door neighbor, Puny Gonzalez, created a similar splash seconds later, followed by KP's younger brother BP. We dunked each other under the water and sent gallons of water flying onto the surrounding patio. It was sunset when we finally tired of the swimming pool.
I grabbed my towel off a lounge chair and stetched it behind me like a cape.
"Eww, what's that?" KP asked, pointing towards my raised arms.
"What?" I looked around me for a slimy creature of sorts.
"No! Under your arms."
I looked at my armpits to see the the straggly hairs that had been there for the last several weeks. I had no clue what was grossing her out.
"You have hairy pits!" she shouted. "Hey everyone, look at Liz's pits."
Immediately, I clamped my arms to my sides. Puny and BP rushed to where we stood, curious to see the cause of the commotion. KP grabbed my right hand and thrust it into the air.
"Pits!" she yelled. Puny and BP stared at my underarms as she doubled over in laughter.
"Ah, gross. You got bith under your arms," BP said.
I struggled to wrest my hand from her grasp. They were laughing, but I found none of it funny.
"Stop!" I commanded. I jerked away from her and wrapped my towel around my body, wishing I hadn't left my trusty T-shirt at home.
Children have short attention spans, so they left me alone to focus on other endeavors.
"Who wants to play Bloody Murder?" BP asked. The last strains of daylight were fading and the time had come to play our favorite game.
"Yeah, I'll get the other kids," Puny offered. Without waiting for a response he ran off to find The 6 Grade Heartthrob and his younger brother The Verbally Challenged Youth. I ran home to lure my older brother out of his bedroom.
Minutes later we reconvened on my front lawn, KP, BP, Puny, The Heartthrob, TVCY, my brother, and me.
"Who's gonna hide first?" The Heartthrob asked.
Wanting to be the first one to scare the pants off everyone else, I shot my hand into the air.
"Me! I'll hide first."
"Pits!" KP screamed, once again pointing and laughing.
My body tensed and I quickly lowered my hand. I had forgotten to put on a T-shirt while I was in the house. Everyone seized upon me at the same time. For the second time that day, KP lifted my arm in the air to expose my burgeoning pubes.
"Pits!" BP and Puny joined the chorus.
"That's gross," The Heartthrob said.
I tried to wriggle away from KP, but this time she was too strong. She waved my arm in the air and giggled. Under the glare of their ridicule, the hair that I had once been so proud of became toxic.
"Why do you let it grow like that?" BP asked.
I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to "let it grow like that." When the teacher taught us about body hair, she neglected to mention anything about hair removal. Desperate to stop their teasing I rushed inside my house. I ran up the front stairs two by two and headed straight to my parents bathroom. Opening the drawers on my mother's side of the vanity, I searched for the tool to end my problems. I found it in the bottom drawer.
Within seconds, the electric razor was against my armpit removing all evidence that I was in the throes of puberty. There wasn't much hair so the mission was completed within minutes. I cleaned up the hairs that had fallen in the sink and placed the razor back where I found it. I examined my armpits once more to make sure every last hair was gone. Satisfied, I returned to the front yard where everyone was waiting for me.
"What did you go inside for?" KP asked.
I said nothing. The few minutes I spent inside did nothing to curb her desire to tease me. This time when she reached for my arm, I didn't fight her.
"Pits!" she yelled as she hoisted my arm over my head.
A smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth. There was no way they could make fun of me if there was no hair to poke fun at. Their laughs turned to whimpers soon enough.
"Oh, she shaved," BP said. Disappointment tinged his voice.
"It doesn't matter," KP declared. "You're still Pits."
Everyone laughed at her assertion. Although I had rid myself of all evidence, there had been witnesses. It wouldn't matter if I shaved my underarms everyday for the rest of my life because to them, I would always be the girl with the hairy armpits. The humiliation followed me through junior high and most of high school. And to my ultimate dismay, while the armpit hairs grew steadily, my boobs did not.

Drowning

2006-09-22T00:06:00.000-05:00

Everything was beautiful. Incandescent lights reflected off the freshly polished hard wood floors. Unknown flowers with long tubular stems that explode into white canopy petals sat in tall vases at the center of all twenty three tables. Fine china, wine glasses, champagne flutes, and flatware were perfectly arranged on the unadorned linen table cloths. The moon, the Hudson, and the Jersey City lights created a surreal backdrop in the ceiling high picture windows. The scene was exquisite, elegant.
They stood in the middle of the floor wrapped in each other's arms. Him in a black tuxedo. Her in a shimmering white gown. Music filled the air, slow and melodic with words no one understood. It didn't matter. The meaning was clear. They were in love and now it was official. They were enchanted by one another and everyone was enchanted by them. I couldn't watch. I didn't want their joy to taint my sadness.
It was too perfect and even though I felt beautiful in my new dress that wrapped around my body, traced my curves and revealed my bust, I knew that I didn't belong. The night was about love, and all I knew was loss. I escaped to the patio. The open bar called.
"I want a screwdriver."
The bartender poured a steady stream of Kettle One into a glass, followed by a splash of orange juice.
"Thank you," I said, taking the glass into my hand. I took a deep breath. It was my fourth visit to the bar that night, but the first to yield more than a chaser. I prepared my throat for the cool burn it hadn't felt in over six years, and took a gulp. The vodka met my lips like a kiss from an old friend. I shuddered at the aftertaste and walked back to my table. I wondered how fast the drink could make me forget.
Being there reminded me that I was alone. I was surrounded by familiar faces that I had known for years, but never really knew. There was nothing to say in college, and even less to say that evening. The seating arrangement was strategic. All of the people who couldn't quite figure out how to find and keep someone were seated together at a table in the back corner, lest we curse the happy couples around us. Or maybe it was a set up so we could find each other. The only person I wanted to find wasn't present.
Two more sips and I was still empty. Red wine, then white wine, a swig of champagne. Nothing worked. I took my phone outside to try and fill the void.
"I'm drinking."
"You're not!" Chesty LaRue was incredulous.
"I want to call him so badly. He would so understand what this is like for me right now. I mean c'mon. A singles table? Please shoot me."
"I know. Just give it some time," she soothed.
Too much time had already passed. He needed space and I needed him. I broke down and sent him a text.
"I'm drinking vodka and it's all your fault," I wrote.
He should've been there with me. It was difficult to remember that even if we were speaking he wouldn't have been by my side. My invitation was for one. I missed him anyways.
My unfinished drinks beckoned. Before I could touch them I was led to the dancefloor. I allowed the man to twirl me around and move in a figure eight. Then I moved to his friend.
"What you want, baby I got it!" I pointed at my partner as I sang along with Aretha. Faking it wasn't a problem. And when the song changed, I nursed more alcohol and hoped an empty stomach and a low tolerance would push me past drunk before I finished the glass. It didn't work.
So I flirted with the guy next to me over baked cod bathed in peanut sauce, with aspargus and potatoes. Then I danced with the best man's father, shaking my hips as fast as I could. I shared a dance with the groom, and moved on to a groomsman. I laughed with a bridesmaid and drank some more with a new "friend." And for a moment the fun was real and I enjoyed myself. When the groomsman took my hand and asked me for another dance, I obliged over and over again until the strains of the last song faded in the air.
I would've gone home happy if my text was returned. But it wasn't. Nothing could feel right because we were all wrong. I was hollow. And leaving with the groomsman's phone number safely stored in my Treo 650 didn't make me feel any better.

In The Morning

2006-09-10T11:06:00.000-05:00

The air is tense, thick with anger, hurt, regret, and longing. It suffocates me. I pick at the untouched breakfast sandwich beside me. Made out of obligation with a splash of contempt, I'm nauseated by the sight of it. My stomach turns and my diaphragm tightens. I double over and rest my head against my knees. Another dry heave.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
The sensation passes and I nod my head. I'll be fine, physically at least. I raise my head and look at him through the screen door. He's bathed in the porch light's glow. Steady rain falls behind him in the morning darkness.
"Now you can tell all your friends I literally made you sick." His laugh is joyless.
I want him to shut up. I wrecked us, but he's determined to destroy anything that's left. This isn't the way we should be, but I seem to be the only one who knows that.
"It's not you," I say. It's the truth. I'm sick of the situation and sick of myself, unfortunately I know I'll never be sick of him. I just want to go back in time and get a do over. I'd retrace my steps and change the last 48 hours. Then I would be munching on the wheat toast, fake eggs, and turkey bacon. He wouldn't be mad.
I rest my head on the kitchen table. I broke it, but I want him to fix it.
"See what you're making me do," he says.
He brings the cigarette to his lips and pulls hard. His bare chest expands. I can sense the heat rushing down his throat, the physical pain matching the inner turmoil. He exhales a cloud of carbon monoxide and toxins, then brings the silver thermos to his mouth. I have nothing to say. I hate cigarettes. He knows that. Without a word he takes another drag. In the moment of silence, with a smoky haze surrounding him, he's beautiful. I could sit there forever watching him smoke and drink coffee.

Oops I Did It Again

2006-09-06T13:37:00.000-05:00

When I go to New York City, I spend money, lots of it. Between dining at the finest chicken spots on the corner of E 219 St and White Plains Road, the small boutique on 135th Street between 7th and 8th, and cover charges and drinks (that I don't partake in) at the club on 54th between 2nd and 3rd, my money drains from my account faster than I can keep track of. Knowing this, I prepare for the spending spree. I make sure all of my bills are paid, then I designate a few hundred to my weekend excursion and hope there's just enough left over to get me to my next check without dipping into my savings account. I'm all about fiscal responsibility. Yes, I will spend and then spend some more, however I will not spend money that I do not have. At least not so far from my next check.
After the last time I threw my bank account into chaos, I promised myself that I would be more diligent about tracking my finances. I balanced my checkbook regularly, paid off all of my credit card debt, cancelled unused accounts, and budgeted my money. I even increased my investment capital, hiding a large percent of my liquid assets in untouchable savings vehicles. I was being responsible with my money and felt perfectly fine with my financial situation when I embarked on my Labor Day journey to the happiest place on Earth. I had a good amount of money to spend on my usual pursuits and felt perfectly capable of staying within my budget.
Five days later, I am once again wondering how my bank account will recover. Oh why did I hide my money from myself? Maybe because I knew I would spend it if I didn't. It started with "necessary" cell phone equipment that I still can't figure out how to use and probably doesn't work anyways. Then there was the unexpected five hour hotel stay (I was by myself so get your mind out the gutter), which really wasn't that expensive, but still cost money I didn't have. Now, most people would make adjustments when emergency expenses happen. Cut back here and there to make up for it. Not, I. I go shopping and purchase a $250 shirt and justify it by passing it off as a dress ($250 for a dress is definitely reasonable). Spending $250 on one item was more than I could handle, so I decided to spend $400 in total on three items to make myself feel like a saavy shopper. I knew I was going over the edge when I stood at the check out counter at my favorite store trying to convince Capital One to give me the account number for the credit card I cut up so I could purchase a $350 snakeskin purse that perfectly matched a reasonably priced wrap dress that was only worth purchasing if the purse was part of the transaction. Thank God, Capital One told me no. The weekend could've gotten very ugly.
I'm back home now and my account is obliterated. Decisions I made several weeks ago are making it difficult to cover my ass while each transaction materializes and gets deducted. I don't get paid for over a week and I have nada to get me through to the next cycle. At least I'm not in debt. That's the only good thing I can hold on to. I could live with no dinners, movies, and shopping trips. And I do have some amazing clothes in my possession (which I will wear everyday and twice on Sunday to get my money's worth). But my stomach is grumbling and I have no groceries and no money to buy them. Too bad I can't eat my new shirt/not quite dress.

Don't Speak

2006-09-05T08:20:00.000-05:00

Women talk. It's a fact of life like taxes, underpaying jobs, and the freshman fifteen. We talk when we're happy, when we're bored, when we're sad, when we're angy, when we're confused. We talk all the damn time. We even talk when we're not supposed to.

It's difficult for me to keep my life to myself. I like confirmations and validations regarding what I think, feel, and do. Advice. That's what it's called. What should I do? What does this mean? Advice isn't free, though. I have to give the story to get the answers I seek. Usually there's no harm in telling a story. It's my business and if I choose to let someone in on my world the only person it affects is me. But sometimes it's not just my story. When it's our story, it's not mine to tell.

I couldn't help myself. I was happy, confused, giddy, and in desperate need of an outlet. I called Chesty LaRue and told her everything. She listened as I recounted the details. How it started, where it was going, the potential pitfalls, and why I was out of my blasted mind for even putting myself in the situation. Chesty is awesome. She's objective and tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. She made me think, and the thoughts weren't pretty. Talking to Chesty wasn't a mistake. Telling him I talked to Chesty was.

Normally, I'm an excellent liar. Spinning believable stories is an artform I've mastered. But there are some people I can't lie to. They ask, I answer. Hell, sometimes I even offer information. Certain situations require full disclosure. When it's all said and done, they can't say I lied to them. When I brought my doubts to him, he asked where they came from. I told him the truth.
"Why did you say something to her?"
Because women talk. It's a fact of life.

Saying something to Chesty wasn't a big deal. Saying something to my other friends was. Friends call and ask about my life and I tell them. It's not a big deal to me, but it is to him. In my mind he was overreacting. What could possibly go wrong. Yes, my friends ask questions, make comments, and give suggestions. But in the end, I always do what I want regardless. Their views may plant seeds, but they never sway me. He said it would only lead to trouble. I didn't believe him. He was right.

Sharing isn't caring when all parties are gathered at the same location and large amounts of alcohol are being consumed. Sharing turns into melee. He said this, she said that. "Listen to me. I'm your friend." "No, listen to me, I won't lie to you." All of a sudden, we're no longer in our mid twenties with good careers. We're 16 years old arguing in the middle of the cafeteria. Scenes are memorable in high school, not so much at 3 a.m. outside a packed club.

I have no clue how it all snowballed out of control. Maybe we were in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. Maybe talking is okay when the parties talked to never meet the parties talked about. Maybe I should just keep my damn mouth shut for once. Maybe I haven't learned my lesson because all I really want to do is call a friend and spill my guts.

Doing Too Much

2006-08-29T16:18:00.000-05:00

I push send and wait for the confirmation. That's five texts in less than five hours, with no response in sight. Each message is more desperate than the one before it. "Hey! What's up," turns into "Are you there?" which turns into "I need to talk to you," which runs headfirst into "I miss you." Nothing works, and I am starting to wonder what I have to do to get a reply.

It wasn't like this before. I never had to wait to hear from him or have my calls returned. I didn't have to walk on eggshells, avoiding the landmines of desperation and the pitfalls of too much pressure. I had access whenever and wherever I wanted. But it's no longer like that. I'm shut out now, banging my head against a bolted door hoping that it will open. I can wait it out.

Then I start to think. What if I wait and what if he opens up again. Then what? Is he mine? Not necessarily. And what does having him really represent. Will he communicate, tell me how he feels, be there when I need him? Probably not. Five texts, two voicemails, countless calls. What the hell for? Why am I begging him to want me again. So we can be us for a second time? We were issues oriented at our best. I'm putting myself through hell waiting on him to tell me yes. I'm doing way too much for what I might get in return. Fuck it. I'm done.