Sunday, May 14, 2006


They're drowning. Drowning in fear, apathy, distrust, or their preferred method of self destructive behavior. You see them struggling, flailing, fighting for their next breath. Something in you won't let them go under permanently. You gather your strength, gird your stamina, and race into the choppy waters, determined to save them. Just reaching them seems impossible. The closer you get, the further away they drift. Your lungs burn, ready to burst from exertion. Your limbs ache, unable to carry you much further. You begin to wonder if you should turn back, if they are too far gone. But then you look for them, and see they are within your grasp, so you press on, knowing that if you can just get to them everything will be okay. And just as they are about to slip beneath the surface for the last time, you reach out and touch them, telling them to hold tight as you help them back to safety. If they don't let go and just keep kicking, they'll make it. But when they hold on to you, their grip is like a noose, choking the life from you. And while straining towards the shore, you realize they're content to float where they are, a blob of dead weight. You start to ask yourself what exactly is the point in this rescue mission. Through it all, you persevere with the conviction you will be richly rewarded in the end.

Once upon a time, I thought I could save him from himself. I could get him to trust, to open up, to see the good in people. He was my mission. For over two years I twisted myself in knots, drowning while he used me for a life preserver. If I held on long enough, I could get him through the undertow and back on solid ground. I succeeded. And in return for all my hard work, I get an engraved invitation to see him marry the woman who reaped all the benefits.


Anonymous said...

You might think she's reaping the benefits, and maybe she is, for now. But when men fuck things up, sooner or later, they fuck things up again. Will the new wife have your resolve?

freelance_alicia said...

Exactly. You're the one before the one. You're the Buster not the Muffin ( my blog for a simpleton analogy) .Any man that commands and drains you of that much emotional energy is not worth it. Trust me, she has done you a favour. Once a head fuck always a head fuck. The best relationships are when two whole beings come together, not needing the other person to keep them from falling apart. You need a man not a mouse.

├ůsa said...

Cheetarah! I feel for you! A lot of us have wasted our time on a hopeless project that someone else has benefited from. Not until we know and REALIZE that we are worth someone who is whole and good from the start (not an uncut diamond...), will we find that person. I believe you can!

Anonymous said...

Let her have that mess of a man that you created. I agree with juniorbridgetjones in that you need a man who is whole from the start. Not a boy who needs a woman to shape him. God Bless homeboy and his new will do so much better!

Furtheron said...

Easy for me to say - I know much harder for you to do however ... "Let him go"

You did what you did and look he is now a decent man who is making his way in the world. And if he is only ever one little bit better in the world because of you then you did right. Don't isolate yourself from the world because of it. Good luck.

JLANE said...

You should feel great! Being a saviour is all about sacrifice and since you didn't have any "alterior motives" you should feel great that you were able to help him become a better person and help him find love.

If that's not the case then you shouldn't write it that way. (I do recognize it's your you can do whatever you In your last couple of lines you seem really bitter like you expected to get the golden ticket to the Chocolate Factory...and didn't. My dear, you can't really call yourself a saviour if at the end of the day you were saving him for your own selfish reasons.

I don't like this post as I'm sure you can tell. I don't like the slant it was written in and I don't like the commnets on here that imply that "this guy" was messing things up or he f*cked "something" up. Your post doesn't say at all if you guys ever dated or even hint that he was interested in you. Nor does it convey that marriage was an option. The only reason I'm posting it to highlight these points to the faithful readership and thwart any additional passive male bashing.

I agree with the furtheronuptheroad if you made him a better person then you should feel good. If you made him a better person with the aspiration of keeping him for yourself then shame on you for fronting as a savior.

Is that Pharrel and Jay-Z I hear playing in the background.....

You know I love you kid but....


sorry for the book

mollymcmo said...

Its sounds like you were working VERY hard at this relationship.

I think if you're working at a relationship and just not enjoying the "being", that is being together, being in love etc. its just not the "relationship" for you.

yes, relationships at times can be hard but i don't see it as a huge work in progress (especially when one is working to change the other)

in my opinion, people don't really change. sure if you were a selfish person, had children and realized life isn't about just you anymore, that is a revelation, not a change.

i think peoples essences don't change.

so in the words of juniorbridgetjones: once a head fuck, always a head fuck.

consider yourself lucky that you are free and no longer a caretaker.


Anonymous said...

Well...for once I can say that you clearly didn't write enough b/c people on both ends of the spectrum have somewhat missed the target. Still, I kinda agree with FLS in that you don't really leave much room for interpretation to those that don't know the situation.

BUT...I will say I think that whole "there's no such thing as conditional love" is only a half truth. Humans are imperfect and inherently selfish creatures. I believe VERY few people (and I'm only saying 'very few' instead of 'nobody' for PC's sake) do things with no expectations or alterior motives. Even if that's not their ONLY motive, no one would go around making sacrifices if they knew the recipient of their efforts would turn around and say FUCK YOU afterwards. Sure, they might really love kids, teaching, medicine, music, science, world peace, writing, etc...; but at the very least they'd like some recognition, assurance, bragging rights, or a "thank you" in return. Futhermore, loving someone unconditionally is not really a choice (if the love is authentic). Acts are done out of love, but love is not an act you perform.

I know the situation first hand so I know why she feels the way she does. And whether she should've been the bride or whether the option even existed is not the point. After all the blood, sweat, and tears have been shed, it's not wrong or phony to want to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Michelle said...

Ouch! But rest assured, that while you were helping this person, treasures of a different sort were being tucked away for you.

Thanks for visiting and commenting on my blog. I always love meeting new people and I really enjoyed your blog too. I'll definitely be back.

The Rev said...

I think overall, what you did was a good thing. But I think that you've created something in your mind that won't serve you in the long run.

Helping someone become better is a good thing. Lamenting that they are going down another path without you is not good for you.

I know what it is like to be dragged down by someone. I supported a friend for over 10 years, only to have her actually turn on me when I was in a position where I could not do the things I used to do for her anymore.

Think of it this way... this man still thinks enough of you after all you did for him to invite you to the wedding. That is a good thing. Even if you don't go, it is an honor to get the invite. At least he didn't cut you off when you no longer served a purpose.

You were rewarded with a good friend. At least, that is what I gather from your posting.

Nunzia said...

wow that was so stirring!

Cece said...

I wish there was something I could say but everyone has said it all... so I'll just add ~ I'm sorry. Really.
If we lived in NYC this is the part where we would go eat ice cream and just walk and talk and talk and then we'd buy shoes.

Anonymous said...

Oh can't save anyone but yourself!