Monday, May 08, 2006

Dear God

Heavenly Father*, first I just want to thank you for who you are and all you have done in my life. I know I don't deserve half of the blessings you've bestowed upon me, but you're merciful and faithful and love me inspite of myself. Thank you for that. I need that right now. And I'm sorry for all that I have done intentionally and unintentionally that displeased you. Please help me to walk closely to you, in the path you light so that I do not go astray.
Now Lord, you know what I'm going through right now, so I don't need to go into the details. You know how badly this hurts right now and how long it's been hurting. I've tried to make it go away, but it won't. It just keeps right on aching and I can't take it anymore. Please, I beg you to take it away. It's been months and he's still right here with me. When I wake up, he's there. When I hear that song, he's there. When I close my eyes he's there. But he's not here! He's not with me, not for real. And I can feel this pain, in every fiber of my body I feel it.
I know you couldn't possibly want me to be in this kind of agony. So I figure there are two options.
You could take all the feelings away. If I don't want him anymore, I won't care that we are no more. It won't matter that he no longer calls and that he's with someone else. It won't matter that he's just fine and I have to pick up the pieces. I won't miss him, I won't remember him, and I won't cry over him. Most of all, I won't need him back.
But honestly, from the look of things, I don't think this feeling is going away. So that makes me think it must be here for a reason. Maybe this is our trial or test before we can embark on forever. That's fine. I've learned all my lessons and won't make the same mistakes again. Since the hurt won't go away, please give me the cure...him. If I have him, everything will be better. I'll be better.
It doesn't really matter which option you give me, because either way, I won't be heartbroken anymore. I trust you, Lord, and know that you can make this all work out. Because that's what you said. You said that in all things you're working for the good of those who love you. I love you, so please, please, please find some way to make this heartbreak into something good. Amen.

*extremely past tense prayer. I am FINE now, I swear it.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

God has bestowed many great talents and abilities within you.

God also gave us the ability to reason and to draw from our experiences and yes, our intuitions. Do not ignore them for ultimately our choices come from within ourselves.

Sometimes the pain is needed in order to learn about ourselves; and most importantly to grow. Be strong. There are many great men out there. Even here in Michigan!!

A2_man

Vi said...

Thank you.

Jailbait said...

I'm glad you put that disclaimer at the end b/c I almost threw up reading that.

Love you.

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

Well, you have different replies on this one, which is to be expected. Always on my Things To Ask God list is to take away my cerebral palsy, and I know he will not, but that's OK, because in the years I have asked (and long ago stopped asking), I came to realize that I would not be a writer today if it were not from that pain. There were times I tried so hard to resent God because I could not possibly have a relationship with Rachel in Denver or Cheryl in Chicago. But I was really resenting myself in the end. I can't claim to have any true from the heart knowledge of intimate relationships, but maybe by posting that, you can purge yourself of your fellings for that guy, at least make them a little easier to push away. I hope so. There are men out there who would be complete fools to not know what you have to offer their lives, and if this guy couldn't see that, well, maybe you'll get the answer you need soon. Seeya.

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I just hope you're not relying on the presence of this man to complete you or solve your problems for you just by being back. That wouldn't work.

Don't rely on that guy. He won't fix you. You can fix you though.

RebeLioness said...

I was 13 years old in a youth group when I first started thinking of God as a friend, and I'm so glad I did. Sometimes what we pray for might seem taboo, insignificant, or selfish, but I don't think anything truly from the heart is off limits. I once prayed in the shower asking God to let the hot water come back. I learned then that He answers prayers of all kinds, and He's not let me down yet.

Although you added this was from a long time ago, this might very well be a prayer topic you'll revisit again and again. Isn't it comforting to know you can depend on God for everything time and time again?

chris said...

I understand where you are coming from. Losing someone does hurt. I am glad you acknowledged your pain and gave it to God.

~Deb said...

The best thing you could have done was pray. This was beautiful and heartfelt. Sometimes, when we pray and it feels like the pain is not going away—and we ask God to take this problem away from us… We’re really not giving Him our problem completely.

Like, if I said to you, “Here, take this plate of pasta…” And you try gripping it, but I won’t let go… I’m not really giving my plate of pasta away.

The same holds true for giving your problems to God. Let go—and let God.

Beautiful post!

Obese Girl said...

I know you're fine now but still,

*HUGS*

Sober In the City said...

I like how you spend the first part of the prayer buttering God up before you go in for the ask. Have you ever thought about a career in sales?

-Your blogging doppelganger

a fish on a bycicle said...

I can see I have some catching up to do?

And there was me, going to beg you not to ask for numbness as an option..

(Four years and counting, like she's still there and it's hot silver on my bones)
!