It's Not You, It's Me

I changed my mind. I don't want this. It's not right for me and it's not fair to either of us for me to continue to pretend. This shouldn't be a surprise. I've been noncomittal for months, nonchalant and lacadaisical too. If my heart isn't in it, there's no reason to do this.

My reasons for wanting to leave have nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. You're great, really. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You have given me so much. You bought me my home, gave me a car, provided an extensive wardrobe, paid to get my hair and nails done, took me on trips to Vegas, Orlando, New York, and even Peoria, IL. You've been a more than excellent provider. Plus, you've taught me more than I could've ever imagined. Because of you, I know how to organize a grocery store shelf. How many people can say that? I am beyond grateful for everything you've done. But it doesn't matter, because we will never fit. I need to feel passionately about something that constitutes such a huge part of my life. In spite of everything, I just don't feel that passion for you.

When we first got involved almost four years ago, I really thought I would love you. You were offering so much, and it was all that I thought I wanted. The first year was difficult, but I stuck around because I knew there was so much to you that I had yet to discover. I was sure that it was just a matter of stumbling upon the part of you that I would want to hold onto forever. I thought I found that in my second year. I was happy for a while, but it didn't last. Even when you offered me more than you've ever given me before and moved me to another state, I couldn't truly get into this. For the past year or so, I've just been going through the motions. You deserve more and I know I can't give that to you.

I'm not saying this because I'm angry or bitter. Yes, you lied to me on occassion. You told me there were things you just couldn't do for me, then turned around and did it for others. You used material things to try and keep me happy. It worked for a little while. But now I know it doesn't matter what you give me, it won't give me the fulfillment I crave. It won't make me look forward to being with you from 8 to 5 every Monday through Friday.

I admit I haven't gone about this involvement the way I should have. I've kept my options open the entire time, even keeping a side piece for almost a year. You knew where I spent my weekends, and still kept me around. You even gave me what I'd been demanding for months. No, I haven't been involved with anything but you since then, but I've made myself available to others. They've called and I've travelled to see them, dined with them, gotten to know them. I even told them I wanted to leave you to be with them. I've kept it from you. When I said I was going home to see friends, I left out that finding someone new was also on the agenda.

This whole mess is my fault. I made a commitment to you without knowing who I am or what I really want. I know those things now and it's leading me in another direction. This is so hard for me because this doesn't seem rational. Everyone keeps telling me I'm crazy for wanting to leave you. They say they wish they had what I do. And there are so many things about you that I don't want to give up. But staying in a bad situation because it's convenient will be worse in the long run. So, I think we should break up. But not right this second. I need to be sure that I am leaving you for something concrete. So please do not fire me before I can quit.