Friday, May 26, 2006

It's Not You, It's Me

I changed my mind. I don't want this. It's not right for me and it's not fair to either of us for me to continue to pretend. This shouldn't be a surprise. I've been noncomittal for months, nonchalant and lacadaisical too. If my heart isn't in it, there's no reason to do this.

My reasons for wanting to leave have nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. You're great, really. Anyone would be lucky to have you. You have given me so much. You bought me my home, gave me a car, provided an extensive wardrobe, paid to get my hair and nails done, took me on trips to Vegas, Orlando, New York, and even Peoria, IL. You've been a more than excellent provider. Plus, you've taught me more than I could've ever imagined. Because of you, I know how to organize a grocery store shelf. How many people can say that? I am beyond grateful for everything you've done. But it doesn't matter, because we will never fit. I need to feel passionately about something that constitutes such a huge part of my life. In spite of everything, I just don't feel that passion for you.

When we first got involved almost four years ago, I really thought I would love you. You were offering so much, and it was all that I thought I wanted. The first year was difficult, but I stuck around because I knew there was so much to you that I had yet to discover. I was sure that it was just a matter of stumbling upon the part of you that I would want to hold onto forever. I thought I found that in my second year. I was happy for a while, but it didn't last. Even when you offered me more than you've ever given me before and moved me to another state, I couldn't truly get into this. For the past year or so, I've just been going through the motions. You deserve more and I know I can't give that to you.

I'm not saying this because I'm angry or bitter. Yes, you lied to me on occassion. You told me there were things you just couldn't do for me, then turned around and did it for others. You used material things to try and keep me happy. It worked for a little while. But now I know it doesn't matter what you give me, it won't give me the fulfillment I crave. It won't make me look forward to being with you from 8 to 5 every Monday through Friday.

I admit I haven't gone about this involvement the way I should have. I've kept my options open the entire time, even keeping a side piece for almost a year. You knew where I spent my weekends, and still kept me around. You even gave me what I'd been demanding for months. No, I haven't been involved with anything but you since then, but I've made myself available to others. They've called and I've travelled to see them, dined with them, gotten to know them. I even told them I wanted to leave you to be with them. I've kept it from you. When I said I was going home to see friends, I left out that finding someone new was also on the agenda.

This whole mess is my fault. I made a commitment to you without knowing who I am or what I really want. I know those things now and it's leading me in another direction. This is so hard for me because this doesn't seem rational. Everyone keeps telling me I'm crazy for wanting to leave you. They say they wish they had what I do. And there are so many things about you that I don't want to give up. But staying in a bad situation because it's convenient will be worse in the long run. So, I think we should break up. But not right this second. I need to be sure that I am leaving you for something concrete. So please do not fire me before I can quit.

14 comments:

Jill said...

Hee hee hee... I started having a feeling that that's where this post was going. Good job. (Writing the post. Obviously, it's not a good job for you. Ok, bad pun. Please forgive.) Hope you find something better that suits your goals and passions!

HarleyWriter said...

The best kind of break-up is the one that gives severence... haha

Clem said...

I hope you can find something better suited for you, even if it is temporary before they fire you.

The Chronic Curmudgeon said...

We've all been there... when something that was fulfilling and comfortable and "right" at the beginning isn't that way anymore. And since we spend so much time at our jobs, it's no surprise that the emotional dynamic can be similar when contemplating a job change as well.

Good luck in your search, and I hope you find something that makes you happy and fits who you are now.

Elizabeth said...

Wow! It's so true, we find ourselves as committed to our jobs, and just as conflicted about them, as we do our lovers.

You are an amazing and prolific writer Cheetarah. I agree with your brother. Blow this pop stand and write your novel.

Lynn said...

You know I don't need to tell you that I feel very similarly.

chris said...

this is great. i really like this post. i can relate to it so well.
I am in the process of trying to move on myself.

nikki said...

wonderfully rendered, sista. i knew you were talking about your job but this could have been about anything in our lives we have to commit to.

i hope you find a new gig that brings you happiness and contentment. i'm in the same boat and i'm determined to find that gig this year.

gr8gatsby said...

Hahahahaha. Great post! Screw them til their asses bleed. xXx.

jailbait said...

That was beautiful...a tear almost came to my eye.

Your writing is getting better and better.

FLS said...

Man...if we could only put this to music this would be my favorite new song. lol.

We could even mix it with Kelis's "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW"

"F**CK THE PLANTATION."-FLS
"GIVE US, US FREE!"- CINQUE (AMISTAD)

jailbait said...

Give us free...hahahahahaha

Rebelioness said...

I felt the same way about Cornell, my parents, and countless boy-toys. The only real job I ever had was nice enough to kindly ask me to leave without really firing me...and w/o me really wanting to leave. Ah...oh well. I hope you don't get fired either, cuz if ol' what's-her-face finds out about you, that's exactly what you'd be! =D

RAYHOVA said...

I love it! I feel the same way... though I dont have even half of your perks! I'm really getting RAPED!!