Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It's My Blog and I'll Bitch if I Want To

I am in a foul ass mood today. It's been building for days and now it's simmering beneath my pores wanting to boil over in an all out temper tantrum. Verunca Salt has nothing on me. If there was actually someone here to listen to me, I would stomp my feet, throw blunt objects, and scream "Why ME!?!" until my lungs ache.

I'm getting fat again. I feel it. In the last two months I have worked out once. Is it because I'm too busy? Nope, it's cause I'm a lazy fucktard who doesn't feel like popping in a workout video for a half hour. Lucky for me, my inactivity hasn't kept me away from extra cheese pizzas, chocolate chip cookies, french fries and fried chicken.

I'm broke. A $250 doctor bill here, a $1000 water mitigation invoice there. Oh look, I'm overdrawn again. Payday isn't even exciting anymore. The money is gone before it hits my account. And oh yay!! I gotta find another $400 bucks to head home for my brother's high school graduation. Can I just send a card?

Todd just got executed via lethal injection for killing Margaret and her unborn child. Too bad both Margaret and child are very much alive. That vapid bitch Paige knew for months that her ex husband, Spencer, set up Todd so that he could have a clear shot at Todd's fiancee Blair. But did Paige tell her boyfriend Bo, Llanview's police commissioner. NO!! She's pussied out because she didn't want Bo to be implicated in the frame up (even though he had nothing to do with it). She did nothing! She just stuttered and stammered and lied whenever Bo asked what she knew about Spencer and Todd. Hello bitch! A man's life is at stake. That's whole lot more important than trying to hold to Bo. Besides he dumped your lying ass anyways, so what was the point in keeping quiet? And now an innocent man is dead and his kids are left without a father because Paige decides 20 minutes before Time of Death that she's going to tell the truth. Too bad she got in a car accident on her way to the prison. I hope she dies. STUPID BITCH!!

I want to move home. I want to move home YESTERDAY! Fuck that, I want to move home 3 years ago. Damn it. Am I doing anything to get me closer to that goal. Nope. Haven't submitted one resume, written one cover letter. NOTHING. Maybe a job will fall out of the sky. I doubt it. I'm pissed off with my lacadaisacal ass.

I want to be a writer. Yeah yeah, I already write. I wanna get paid for it. Yeah, I said it. I don't care if it's not proper etiquette to announce on a blog that you want to be more than a blogger. Fuck it. Half the blogosphere does and if they say they don't, they're lying. No one would tell Judith Regan, "thanks but no thanks" if she came a knocking with a six figure 2 book deal. And no one would say, "I'll pass" if The New Yorker offered to run a six part series of their fantabulous blog entries. So do I put together pitch letters for agents? Do I write eye catching query letters to magazine editors? Do I try and finish a manuscript or article of any kind? Yes, but then I give up after five minutes and start patrolling the famous blogs. Ugghh, why does she get 20,000 hits a day? Booo, hisss. How come he has over 100 comments for everything he posts? Blech!! Why not me?! Why! Why! Why!! Self pity has driven me to the depths of hateration. I hate being a covetous bitch.

And then there's the shit filled cherry on top. The Pistons are trailing the Heat 3 games to 1 in the Eastern Conference Finals. Pat Riley and that band of ogres can lick my unwaxed ass crack.

27 comments:

Clem said...

Get it all out girl!!! Whew...

naive-no-more said...

If it makes you feel any better, I've ran across a lot of bloggers who want to be writers and you are in the elite few that I think really will be.

kat said...

I was with you until you started talking about Todd and Margaret, then I got lost.

You crack me up. Unwaxed ass crack. Haha.

and, um, I don't know if I should say this but...

GO HEAT! :)

(Only because I'm from the FLA and your dirty Pistons knocked the Magic out of the playoffs a couple of years back and they haven't been the same since.)

Cece said...

Oh honey. I wish I had some amazing-oh my god shes right- advice to give. But I don't. However I will say I am so jealous that even while spewing hatred your writing is amazing. And everyone can see on the last post that your body was killing that dress. Killing it! So enjoy your misery, eat a few more pizzas and then get your ass up and go jogging. On the way you'll probably meet a guy. Bring him home. Nothing makes you feel better than sex.

Trish said...

Oh, I think Todd is going to be revivied. I don't care if the needle went in, he will survive.

Christina_the_wench said...

kat, I don't think she's in the mood right now for that "Go Heat" thing. Dirty Pistons? Oh no you didn't. GO TAYSHAUN and the PISTONS! Kick Crybaby Wade and Mongo's ass!

(hands cheetarah a drink and Valium) It will be ok.

nikki said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

okay, i love it when you vent. lmao@the soap opera. i see you're a wee bit emotionally involved. lol

i feel like i'm getting fat, too. i stopped working out cuz i got depressed and now, on the day i wanna go back to the gym i got a family crisis. MORE fodder for getting depressed.

i'm witcha sista. hopefully we can get back on the wagon before it breaks under the weight of our fat asses. LOL

oh, and i'm pulling for the heat, so sorry. i pulled for detroit when they won it the first time.

chris said...

wow....
i'm glad you let it out.
I can relate to you on so many levels, especially the paycheck part. keep your head up.

Fuerza_amor said...

I feel you. Things will get better. You want to be a Writer and want to move back home... Just do it!!! Don't worry about the Pistons they are going to take it to game 7...just warming up for Dallas.. Peace. Visit me sometimes

Charles said...

I was rollin as soon as I saw the word 'fucktard'. Hahahahaha...and then you lost me on the letha injection stuff...and then I got back on track about you wanting to be a writer. I feel you...alot of people on blogger feel as if they can be like a Sex in the City columnist or something...and most of them can't. You're too funny though, and I think you have madd potential. As for the ogres on the Heat...sorry, can't agree with you there. I wanted the Heat to win it all last year...and apparently, it looks like this is their year. Go Heat and Dwayne Wade!!!

The said...

Girlfriend, you are HILARIOUS. I have too much going on to even desire becoming a writer, but a reader I will always be. If you get your deal, you let your brother G know and I'll buy the first book, article or graffiti scrawl. "Fucktard" "unwaxed ass crack" CLASSIC!

Serena said...

*sighs with understanding*

Lynn said...

FUCKTARD... Can I please borrow this? It's awesome! It feels so good to say! Fucktard, fucktard....

Bougie Black Boy said...

I agree with naive-no-more (above). You are among the best writers online. I like your style, I like your wit, and wisdom. I like your realism.

The point is--to be a writer, dont give up. Writers, published writers, must be persistent.

Eatapeach said...

Oh, Chee...I think I love you.

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

Ohhhh, you were talking about a soap opera murder trial. Remind me to start a paragraph before you realize I'm talking about Superman's newest problem involving Lex Luthor. Hey, naive-no-more said it right, but I'll bet there's a couple million busloads of bloggers who say they want to be writers but have never even sent a damn thing out, even a lousy-ass joke to Reader's Digest. Expect me to be in the line waiting for an autographed copy.

jailbait said...

"I hate being a covetous bitch"<---and that you ARE.

Suck it up and drive on. (A little Army advice for ya)

Trish said...

Cheetarah,
Todd did survive. They revived him while we were working yesterday. I heard about it, though.

Don't feel bad, you have a bunch of people reading and your readership will continue to grow.

with sprinkles said...

Mark my words, you will get paid to write.

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Unwaxed ass crack...

If you ever do write a book, use that as a title.

Laurie said...

Wow. How do I say that I completely understand without sounding horribly cliched and copycattish?

My gym membership keeps coming out of my account automatically, regardless of the fact that I haven't seen the interior of that place for well over a month.

My average hits each day are somewhere around, oh, 60? Maybe 70 on a good week? Comments? Not so much these days. Why do people who write short, superficial entries with little or no thought get tons, when I actually ATTEMPT and get squat?

And, yeah, I emptahize completely about being a writer. COMPLETELY. I would kill to be paid to write, instead of being paid to sit here (at work, where I am right now) pretending to be busy and writing when the boss is holed up in his office. But I completely lack the motivation to a damn thing about it. And I counsel myself by saying "If it's meant to be, it'll happen." A certain (famous) blogger just wrote that now that she has a book deal and is writing a TV show, she only blogs for excersise. She doesn't "try" anymore on her blog. She doesn't have to. Why would she? Judith Regan already called her. But me? I try. And, these days, everything sounds like shit. Even if I did attempt to get a writing gig, I'd probably fail. I lost my drive somewhere.

So, yeah. I completely get you. And you wrote it better than I could.

Jodi said...

i've been feeling a lot of that lately but got slightly sidetracked by my moving...but i always come to your blog and ask myself, how does she get 21 comments and me only 3...i hear ya.

The Stiltwalker said...

I need you to get a shot of Haldol and calm down...

Chesty la rue said...

This whole experience was hilarious: your blog, lynn, jailbait, and smokin' steve's comments, my mental picture of you really being at this level of pisstivity! I tell ya, you should get mad more often (aside: my sister doesn't believe you get mad; I think you should prove her wrong).

I'm getting fat too...I don't even button my pants anymore--just zip, put a belt over what should be buttoned, and tuck in the corners. I believe having a boyfriend who loves my fat ass doesn't help either...but lately he's been asking me when's the last time I've gone to the gym so...I guess he doesn't like my fat ass that much! =D

You'll be fine, but days like these will come and go, and at least now you have an outlet in which vent your frustrations.

RayHOVA said...

I'm getting fat too. If thats any consolation :(

Cece said...

I hate to do blog promotion on someone else's comments but I'm sure I have Cheetarah's blessings... Chesty Please check out my post "Seratonin is not a diet drug". Its in my April2006 archives. Boyfriends are the worst diet wreckers there are. I have to remember a piece of advice I got.
You don't know what can happen, so prepare for the jump. You know the jump to the next man. I tell my boyfriend even if I get fat I'll still leave so stop trying to pork me up!
And Liz I was serious about the sex part. 4 times a week for 45 minutes will burn 1/2 a pound. Improves skin, hair, mood and weight.

DS said...

TOD WAS BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE