Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Memo

MEMO
____________________________________


To: All Employees

From: Not Quite Management

Subject: Telephone Policy

Date: 5/9/2006


This is a reminder to all coworkers, managers, and clients that work hours are from 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Please confine all phone calls to these hours. Do not call outside of this time frame and expect me to be working. Since I have no motivation to go that "extra mile" in my job performance, I do not work before 8:30 a.m. or after 4:30 p.m. If that is actually expected, company business hours need to be adjusted accordingly and I will need an extra $1500 per half hour worked. While I do acknowledge that my home is also my office, do not assume that I am working just because I am home. Unlike you, I have a life. Even if I answer the phone at 7:30 a.m. and sound alert, I assure you, I was not engaged in any work related activity. It is simply a trained response to a ringing telephone, similar to Pavlov's dog's responese to a ringing bell. Just because you are productive at the butt crack of dawn does not mean that I am. Similarly, just because you work until 5:00 p.m. does not mean I will. Please note, you are trying to get ahead, while I am only trying to not get fired.

Effective immediately, in order to compensate for loss of sleep, leisure time, and the occassional bit of nookie, every minute spent on a business related call outside of business hours will result in 15 minutes of me bullshitting on company time. For example, a four minute call conducted from 8:15 a.m. to 8:19 a.m. will automatically lead to a 60 minute nap at 10:00 a.m. This is in addition to the one hour lunch break to which I am already entitled. If you insist on calling at 5:00 p.m. and not shutting up about product performance until 6:00 p.m., thus interrupting Judge Judy and Friends, you just earned me an entire week's worth of bullshitting time.

This policy is non negotiable and violators will be required to kiss my ass in perpetuity.

Thank You

15 comments:

meekon5 said...

I suffer from the similar Pavlovian response as I am trying to leave the office at 1730hrs and the phone rings only to detain me a further thirty minutes ensuring some other officer of the council doesn't have a coronary over some request I have forwarded to them about something or other. Unfortunatly they tend to notice when I fall asleep in the office here.

BTW thanks for the links to other coherant Blog sites i will spend some time exploring them.

mollymcmommy said...

if I answer the phone at 7:30 a.m. and sound alert, I assure you, I was not engaged in any work related activity..........

LOL! love it! :)

m

Jailbait said...

When I used to call you at the butt crack of dawn you NEVER sounded alert. What have they done to you child!?

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I wish I could work from home.

DCBoogieman said...

Cheetarah1980;

This reply is not a direct response to your most recent post. However, you left a message in my blogg - XRSYZ aka Exercise, and I am replying to that.

Your question was about Turntables on the Hudson." That is a very nice place and fun for all. $50 should cover your entrance fee and a couple of drinks. Of course you will need cab fare, train fare, and money for the 3am munchies after leaving the clubs.

Although a Native of the Bahamas, I lived in New York for several years before my current residence here in DC. I love NY and there are many many many clubs and places to go. If you ever head that way let me know and I will give you some time, and money saving tips.

I checked out your blog and I think that it is quite interesting. It's different! But in a good way.

Stay strong and continue to be yourself - remembering to allow others to be themselves.

Peace and blessings:

L-Boogie

RebeLioness said...

HIL-A-RIOUS! I operate similarly with regards to the compensation of time. Since being at work before 9:30AM is a rarity, my time is usually wasted/interrupted during my lunch hour. So, I usually extend my lunch hour to hours and feel justified in doing so. I think this works out perfectly for all involved...

Trish said...

I am falling on the floor laughing. At my desk. On THEIR time. LOL.

a fish on a bycicle said...

Can I borrow this?

Or will you sue?

kat said...

i have a few office memos i'd like to write too. haha. very funny.

Jill said...

Please note, you are trying to get ahead, while I am only trying to not get fired.

That's hysterical.

...as is the perpetual ass-kissing.

Thanks for visiting my blog!

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

You can find a little nookie? In Grand freaking Rapids? I can't get nothin', and I'm in Chicago. I guess my photo says it all. Have a fun day, Liz. Wayne

Michael Manning said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to visit my site! I spent some time in Royal Oak, Michaigan when my Grandmother was alive. Michigan can be tough. I know Jewel went to the Art Academy there. And there's a movie I'm tracking down about all the nameless musicians called The Funk Masters who played on nearly every Motown hit. Hope you can escape to a state you will like better! I'm in the process of doing that too!!
:)

Further on up the road said...

Thanks for reminding me the purpose for work. I listen to all this stuff about motivation and dedication and engagement etc. Bottom line I work at my company because they pay me a salary - if I had independent wealth and could sustain myself and the family without working here I wouldn't turn up and say "Oh don't worry about the pay check I'm only here because I want to be".

I often feel bad about not having the engagement levels I see in some colleagues - I shouldn't I should feel bad for them that they don't have a life outside and/or an ability to recognise different drivers in different people.

Thanks - great post made me really laugh.

goodness gracious! said...

as i live and breathe! this post is awesome.

tilda said...

"While I do acknowledge that my home is also my office, do not assume that I am working just because I am home. Unlike you, I have a life".

LOL, the number of times I've wanted to say that to someone... LOL...

Love this post. :)