Thursday, May 11, 2006

LITFA

Elusive and out of reach, it haunts. The need to know, really know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's finished. There is nothing left to feel, nothing left to do, nothing left to say, no more questions, nothing, nada, zilch. If there are remnants, it's unfinished, and if it's unfinished it can't be over, and if it's not over there's no moving on. Closure. That's what it's called. Pursued with relentless vigor, it slips and slides, evading our grasp.
I have a confession. Sometimes when I'm alone with nothing to do but think, I think of The Guy (the one who shouldn't make me cry). I think of all the things I want to tell him, things that he just has to know. How I felt, why I acted the way I did, why he was wrong, and various pieces of who what when where why and how. In my head, the conversation plays. What I will say, how he will respond. It unfolds beautifully, dramatically, complete with accusations, defenses, and heartfelt admissions, leaving me with an overwhelming urge to call him. I want to perform the script I've created. And at the end, it will all be out there, nothing left to disclose, and we can walk away either separately or together confident that we know all there is to know.
It's all pointless. If I call, he won't pick up the phone. And if he does pick up, I'll forget my lines, saying everything but what needs to be said. I'll talk around the issues, he'll be confused, I'll get frustrated, he'll have to go. Nothing will be solved, and on another day in another week I'll try to do it all over again with similar results. If there is one thing that three years of bullshit with the Idiot Who Made Me Cry taught me, it's that closure likes to be chased and rarely allows itself to be caught. Questions answered only lead to more questions to ask. Oftentimes, it's best to just Leave It The Fuck Alone.

18 comments:

Wayne said...

I still can't believe I'm the first post; I checked this a few hours ago. Where is everybody. Liz, there's a book called LOST SOULS by Michael Collins, about an Indiana cop and a murder on Halloween 1982. There is one great line of many:

Regret is like letting someone live rent free in your head. And don't I know it.

jailbait said...

....speaking of books....

Madox23 said...

When I just came out of the closet I fell hard for this guy, he was great we got along, he read good books, he liked me and he was a great kisser. I remember when we broke up, mostly because I wasn’t ready for a committed relationship… years later when I realized what a mistake I’ve made he’s clearly moved on and won’t have nothing with me. To this day all the break up conversations/ emails (there were so many) still haunts me. Hang in there!

The Chronic Curmudgeon said...

Liz, I'm glad you've reached the wise conclusion that it's best to leave this one alone.

It's an uncomfortable truth of life, I think, that closure comes from within, not without. We have all worked up the scripts for the final conversation with the person who hurt us the most. Unfortunately, no one gives them the script; no one tells them what their character's motivation is supposed to be.

The end result is that we can either let the scene play out perfectly in our own minds... or we can deal with the improv'd, unscripted version that inevitably results from any attempt to play it out in reality.

(The only way I know this is from having made the mistake of having gone off-script too many times in the past.)

Rebelioness said...

I saw write the script down and send it to him with explicit instructions and cues. He can read, can't he? =P

K said...

So soulful, I can barely stand it.

This post is nothing but truth. Don't feel like it's a secret that you have to keep, this is so universal it's uncanny.

Serena said...

I wrote a letter to mine and actually mailed it. No response, but I had moved many times over and included no return address. Taking those thoughts and ideas and loosing them on the world was liberating. It allowed me to get over it just a little faster.

little sister said...

Well said!!! And I soooooooooo wish I'd realized that same thing when I was younger!!! Okay - I knew it, but I didn't practice it. Keep up the good practice! You'll go very far if you do.

What am I saying - you have gone far!

And it's okay to cry about it once in awhile. 3 years is a long time, and lots of feelings are built up and need to be dumped some how - as long as you don't call him :)

btw, thanks for stopping by :)

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

I believe you can get that closure yuo need without his help. You can find it within yourself.

I had something like that. I had that speech prepared. I never got to give it. And I eventually was OK with that.

FLS said...

You've really caught me at a bad time..with regards to relationships and all that jazz...and I just finished watching Deuce Biggalo European Giggalo...but I offer this:

All I can say is getting closure is hard and I would agree that you should LITFA...

I damn near killed myself over a broad who did ME dirty and I was the one who was chasing her for closure. Like "Why did you bring me home to see the naked ass of the dude you just finished f*cking?" There are so many questions I had for that broad, but in my sick twisted mind I still wanted her. I wanted her to want me like she originally did. I wasn't ready to let go and it took time. I'll probably write about it at a later date.

When you're ready to let go all the who, what, when, why's and where's don't matter. But you're not helping yourself get over a person by thinking about all the good things....all the damn time. Think about the pain! Get mad at dude! He don't know what he missing! Like jailbait would proly say. F-CK'EM! Listen to some pimp sh_t. Put on that Biggie, Carl Thomas, and Too Short track, "The World is Filled with Pimps and Hoes...we'll just talk about those I knows." ...

Get your swaggar back. I see you leaning homie. Nothing says closure like rolling past dude a couple of years later looking like Jane Kennedy and don't even blink in his direction. Let him savor the smell of your Angel, Donna Karan, or Isse Miyisse as you walk buy.

Peace

chris said...

Sometimes it is best to leave things alone. Especially when you are so emotionally invested. You don't need him to validate your feelings, you can move on without him.

citygirl said...

Ah, but it's SO difficult to LEAVE SHIT ALONE. Especially when the hurt and the questions keep coming back to you. Good luck.

Leah said...

You have some of the best commenters on the internet.

And LITFA indeed. You know what to do.

Obese Girl said...

Hey hun,

It's rough ridin (no pun intended) when yer alone with Mr Time.

Like a bad movie (think Blair Witch Project) some 'scenes' pop up and ya not gon make sense of it all..

LITFA is a great acronym.

Elizabeth said...

Dearest Cheetarah, you sound so sad.

LITFA - so true.

I've heard people say "one day it will all make sense." It's not true though, some things will never make sense.

I like Wayne's borrowed line "regret is like letting someone live rent free in your head."

Closure isn't what matters. What matters is that you are fabulous and gorgeous, and you've a deep heart and a beautiful soul. The best is yet to come.

doc-t said...

yes. Leave it the fuck alone. Sure we all need a sense of closure but at some point you have to come to terms with the fact that "it's over." for whatever reason "it's over."

Holding onto a guy/gal form the past pretty much means you can't take hold of a new one for your future...

it's done... let it go.

jailbait said...

FLS - you are right about what I say.

Leah - yeah, we are pretty great.

mollymcmommy said...

i agree, some things are just better left alone.
pick a day like a smoker does when quitting and just move on.

m