Thursday, July 13, 2006

Job Opening

Job Opening
Job Category: Relationship
Type: Full time, plus overtime
Salary: It's gonna cost ya
Languages: Anything that sounds sexy
Last day to apply: My wedding day
Compensation: Me
Job Title: Boyfriend

Responsibilities:
Responsibilities will include, but are not limited to:
  • Saying and doing the right things to properly convey your undying adoration, admiration, and lust for me.
  • Managing all shopping bags while touring Westchester Mall/SoHo/Madison Ave/any similar location
  • Arguing when necessary, but ultimately realizing the error of your ways
  • Footrubs, backrubs, assrubs on request
  • Researching and evaluating what is really meant when hearing the words, "I'm fine."
  • Maintaining daily communication via telephone, email, text messages, and telepathic senses
  • Coordinating dinner dates, movie nights, surprise parties, and other special events
  • Watching All My Children, One Life To Live, and General Hospital
Qualifications:
All candidates must have the following qualifications,
  • A J.O.B. (Doctors, lawyers, bankers, engineers, professional athletes, high level managers, music industry execs, Hollywood producers, and other ballers only)
  • 6'0 and above
  • size 13 shoe and above (hint, hint)
  • College Degree (advanced degree preferred); a shit load of money is good enough if no degree has been earned.
  • Solo residential accomodations
  • No criminal record
  • No kids
  • No pending kids, or possibles either
  • Never married
  • No restraining orders
  • Non smoker, ocassional drinker (non drinking is cool too)
  • hella sex appeal
  • Possess all teeth in some semblance of order
  • Must be practicing _____________________ (Christian/Jew/Muslim/Buddhist/Hindu/Agnostic/Atheist/whatever floats your boat)
New York Knicks fans need not apply.

18 comments:

Jailbait said...

I'm going to print this and hand it out on the street.

Thanks.

Lynn said...

Shoes size? You are T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E.! Too funny!

Cece said...

No pending kids is my absolute fav!! Too bad Britney didn't include that one.

RO'Neal said...

I'm hiring too! If you get any applicants that fit the bill but are too short I'll take em as short as 5'10, send em my way :)

Rebelioness said...

This is HILARIOUS. Maybe I should've used this when I was seeking a candidate.

I'm so glad you stressed the pending kids thing b/c guys will conveniently leave that out only to say, "well I didn't have any at the time" once the child is born!

Definitely has a tinge of gold-diggerishness to it, but I've always known you to be a shallow, self-absorbed, high-maintenance (kinda) and opportunistic shop-a-holic so at least you're keeping it real!

This was a nice, light post. A good transition from your last heavy-handed dose of ideas!

Jennifer said...

Salary: It's gonna cost ya

You made me *snort* at work. Most uncool, chick.

Ha!

The Stiltwalker said...

Other than the height and shoe size thing I meet all your requirements. When's the interview?

jali said...

The Knicks remark was a low blow. Really low.


Besides that: Brilliant!

Charles said...

Hahahahahaha...what's funny, is that I just did a post on this today...well...kinda similar. Anyways...good luck on the search!!

Anonymous said...

i aint sayin u a gold digger...but...anyway, i'm shocked u didnt say anything about a free meal somewhere in there...lol

tiff said...

Add No Yankee fans..and this could be dangerously close to being a carbon copy of my "resume."

Love it!

Solomon said...

I can dig this post. Whats up with the benefits though? A brotha would work hard for some benefits. A hot meal or something.

NegroPino™ said...

U and CHarles........man yall kiling me with these applications...resumes....but I loves it......

SO he can't be ordinary NEGRO..he gotta be clocking major figures hmmmmm........

and the shoe size isn't a DEFinite all the time...

DOes he hafta know how to work the middel too?

Taki said...

1. You said nothing about you being the only person an applicant can be applying to. Thanks.

2. I don’t see any benefits for the winning *scratch that*, accepted candidate.

3. Can I submit the resumes of my friends and get some kind of finders fee?

4. Please see #2.

You know, I had something similar. But I just kept setting up interview after interview. Round after round. Now that I think about it, I really didn’t wanna fill that position.

*picks up new stack of applicants and smiles*

Black Minded said...

I had a whole bunch of profanity written out, but yeah Taki summarized it.

citygirl said...

OMG girl! Where are you going to find a straight man that can decode "I'm fine" AND watch the soaps with you.

I think you may have to engineer him yourself!

Elizabeth said...

OMG, shoe size!! (I had to cross my legs when I read that line!)

Sober In the City said...

I've been in another world and haven't had time to read or comment on blogs. So I was so happy when I opened you up and rea this clever essay. Very creative. As usual!