Saturday, July 08, 2006

Selfish

Dear Short Bitch,

I'm going to need you to do me a favor. You know that guy you're dating. The one whose navel you barely graze because you're 4'11 and he's 6'5. The cute one with the fresh Ceasar and sexy goatee. Yeah him. I'm gonna need you to break up with him. Now!
You don't need all that height. It's wasted on you. Yeah that's what I said, WASTED! It's not cute to see man who damn near has to break his back just to give his woman the sexy, yet subtle forehead kiss. Not cute at all. You don't look like his girlfriend, you look like his child. And together, you both look stupid.
I am by no means saying that you shouldn't date men who are taller than you. But be reasonable. Is a 12 inch height difference really necessary? Wouldn't 6 inches suffice? If you're 5'2 and your man is 5'8, he still towers over you! You can wear your 4 inch heels and still rest your head on his chest. What more do you need? Yeah, I've heard all your reasons before. "I like a man who's tall because he makes me feel safe/secure/dwarfed." Because of your inability to grow, that's not difficult to accomplish. A man does not have to qualify for the NBA in order to be significantly taller than you. Anything more than a 6" to 7" height difference is just overkill.
Contrary to whatever is going on in your little head, there is not a plethora of tall men available for any woman who wants one. Height is relative and your perception of what is tall is greatly skewed due to your close proximity to the ground. Just because a man looks tall in comparison to you, does not mean that he is.
Resources are scarce, and basic human decency teaches that resources should be left for the people who need them most. In this case, those people would be women like me. Women over 5'10 who are constantly attacked by little men who love tall women. When you take the tall men, there is no one to save your longer limbed sisters from the pint size Lotharios who place themselves in our paths. Do you not think of anyone but yourself?!
So how about we make a deal. You stay away from the 6' and over crowd and I won't kick your vertically challenged ass. Sound like a plan? Great! Hopefully we won't have this problem again.

Thanks!

25 comments:

jailbait said...

You're an idiot.

"Women over 5'10 who are constantly attacked by little men who love tall women."
--I'm under 5'10" (5'10" with heels on though) and short men who "love tall women" seem to always attack me too!

Little women, come collect your little ankle biters and release the tall men....do it for Liz!

Tense Teacher said...

Wow, that's a mighty generous "deal" you make at the end...

You crack me up.

Laurie said...

Ahhh. Now I understand the comment you left. :)

I understand completely. At six feet tall (okay...with heels on.), I am amazed by the lack of tall men out there. I was out with friends at a local hot spot, and scanning the crowd, I noticed that I was the TALLEST WOMAN THERE. And there were TWO men taller than me.

I happened to get lucky and find a nice tall guy to compliment my height, who allows me to wear my highest heels without worrying that I'm going to graze his forehead with my nose. But I was single for a long time. And almost every time I went on a date, I was the tall one. I felt like the Jolly Green Giant.

So I agree. Short women, please leave the tall guys to us tall women. We need them more than you do.

kat said...

You know I could have written this letter, right?

I have always said I think there should be a law against short women and tall men dating. At 6'3" I get pissed when I those short bitches taking the tall men. It's just not fair.

C'mon tall women need love too!

Dreamlover said...

haha, I agree, standing here at 5'8 1/2, I hate seeing the short 5'4 women with the 6'0 plus guys whilst I get the 5'7 guys, no fair!!

Tense Teacher said...

I feel that, because I'm only 5'4", I need to defend myself: I chose a man who's only 2 inches taller than I am.

I left the tall ones alone; please don't kick my ass. :)

Lynn said...

You so know I understand you pain and feel it too.

mollymcmommy said...

LMFAO!!!!!! you just killed my underwear as i read that!!!

short bitch watch your ass!!!!

m

Elizabeth said...

You crack me up!! And don't worry dear, I'm 5'2" and I like the 5'9" teddy bear type! Feels just weird to hug a guy when my face lands in his belly.

spchrist said...

Interesting prospective...

Serena said...

Finally! Someone to speak the truth.

Diane Mandy said...

Two comments on this one (which I am still laughing at, btw):

1. Most men claim that they are taller than they really are. My guy swears he is 6 ft, but I know he isn't. My best guess is 5' 10" 5, '11", and I tried to point this out. Big mistake.

2. Avoid Latin clubs, at least the ones in my area, if you have an adversity to shorter men attacking you. Though I must say, those guys can sure DANCE. Short or not, I keep going back for more, and in my dance shoes I'm about 5'10.

tiff said...

Right on! Just because we are 5'10 (I share your affliction), we shouldn't have to be stuck in flats, watching the 6'2 men play around with these 5' midgets. It's disgusting.

The Chronic Curmudgeon said...

Um... if the couple get along and like each other and find each other attractive, should it even matter how tall they are?

(This is coming from a 6'1" guy -- and yes, Diane Mandy, I really am 6'1", the Navy told me so -- who's last two girlfriends happened to be 5'4", and whose current crush is about 5'2". Sorry to be one of the trangressors you're railing about.)

~Deb said...

Ha-ha!!!! You crack me up! It reminds me of a show I saw on Maury Povich <--sp?... Anyway, they were showing "odd couples". And this one couple had this 6'5 man dating a midget. (Is that politically correct to say 'midget'?) Short people? I don't know. But she came up to his KNEE! I can only imagine the step stool to giving him ...ummm.... never mind.

Okay! Great post! I got a chuckle out of this 'letter'!

Buffy said...

*sigh*
I love your letters.

They make me happy.

Christina_the_wench said...

5'3" here...hubby 6'3". I didn't pick it. Just worked out that way. I can't return him. Sorry.

tall glass of vino said...

sing it, sister!

(6'2" in heels here)

Trish said...

I thought I commented to this. Didn't I?

Trish said...

Anyway,
Funny post, and true.

RebeLioness said...

At 5'10 and 3/4 inches (okay 5'11"!), I am SO glad you finally addresses this most serious issue. For my birthday last year, I wore 3 inch heels and went out to a trendy new hot spot. How about I was SURROUNDED by dwarfs who all barely made it past my nipples! I was so annoyed. And OF COURSE they tried to holler! Anyway, right on sistah!

jali said...

Funny as hell! How did I miss this the other day? I need an email when you post something hilarious.

I'm a medium sized chick 5'5" and my current sweetie is about 2 or 3 inches taller than me. Good thing I got rid of the ex - he was about a foot taller and I really don't want to fight you - or as you say, get my ass kicked.

[sarcasm]You tall slim model chicks really have my full sympathy.[/sarcasm]

The Stiltwalker said...

You are definitely infectious.

Taki said...

Now Liz you know im a tall-female-lover and I love it!!!! Im only 5’11” (not clamin to be a 6 footer), but im dating someone that 5’3” tops – yep I broke the 6”-7” rule.

What yall tall females need to do is embrace the one looking at you eye to eye. Wouldn’t you want someone that loves and embraces your height? Someone that is beyond comfortable with it, rather than some 6’3” dude that’s lookin at your 5’4” friend on the sly?

Don’t ask the short chicks to let them go, you shouldn’t even want those anti-tall female lovers anyway. What you need is ………me.

BT said...

I don't check for a minute only to come back and find you height bashing, cot damn shame, its all good cuz I feel you I ain't trying to kick it to no chick I got to stand on a ladder to see eye to eye with, so keep it gangsta, I'm back!