Wednesday, July 05, 2006

His Shit

They're sitting in my suitcase, stained with hot sauce and soiled with sweat. I know they'll go in the next load of laundry, but after that their fate is uncertain. They could go back in the dresser drawer that has been their home since last September. Or I could put them in a UPS box and ship them back to their original owner. Technically, they belong to him.

"Do you have a pair of sweats I can sleep in?"
He rummaged through his closet and handed me his favorite pair. I slept in the soft gray cotton, then wore them home the next morning. Day after day I wore them until my scent replaced his and finally Tide erased both of us.
"What are you wearing?" he would ask periodically.
"Your sweatpants."
"When am I going to get those back?"
"You're not."

I'm not so sure about that anymore. I kept them as a reminder, and now I don't want to remember. Memories are the reason I put the past aside and decided to try again. A conversation here, a text message there. Little by little we started to act like us again. And us feels so good, until we get to the part of us that doesn't work. The part where I need him and he lets me down.

Disappointment reared its ugly head again. My first instinct is to pack up his shit and send it to him. No note needed for him to get the message loud and clear. "I'm done!" But I haven't followed through. Instead I'm sitting on my bed weighing my options while this song fucks with my head. "Part of me says to think it through, part of me says I'm over you, part of me wants to say goodbye..."It plays over and over in mind on a continuous loop. Giving back the sweats means I'm giving up on us. He won't give me what I need, so I should just let him go. Find someone else to meet my needs. That's common sense. The problem is, I don't want someone else, I want him to do it. Making a return would say, "don't bother." Why do it, if I don't mean it.

Skeletons fill my closet. This man's t-shirt, that man's pants, another's hat. I could dress myself from head to toe in their remnants and not even think about it. But his remains, they don't just go on me, they get in me. Sleeping in his sweats is like sleeping near him. I can almost feel his arms and the rise and fall of his chest when he breathes. It doesn't help me move on. But I doubt giving them back will help either. And when it's all said and done, I don't want to move on. I want us to work. Until that happens, the sweatpants are mine.

19 comments:

----- said...

Aight - mine is a tattered t-shirt that has holes in it now - needless to say, I feel you!!! And although we (like how I just bundled you in there with ME) usually KNOW the outcome...sending those back would definitely mean you're cool w/ the fact that he's done. Keep em girl...

RayHova said...

Well I did give his shit back and he still stays on my mind. Its so hard to let go of someone who has been your everything for so long, but the back and forth makes me dizzy. So instead, I choose to let it burn. Keep the sweat pants girl!

Charles said...

I feel you so much on this. I feel you TOO much on this actually. It's hard to let someone go that you love...cause, I'm goin thru it right now. She's in my system, and I'm not gonna lie that I'm addicted as hell. I'm going to see how long I can go without talkin to her...calling her...textin her...IM'in her..everything. It's gonna be hard though...cause I miss her so much. But...pain is love...or some shit like that...

Rebelioness said...

I really love that there's a male's comment on here about him missing his girl. I needed to hear that a man (at least one) actually cares cuz maybe that means mine's does, too!

I feel you so much on this blog that I swear I was your muse. Regardless, I say keep them, too. When you're able to put them on and not think about him, then you'll know you're over him. But maybe you won't have to...

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

No woman has worn my sweatpants. Maybe it is because I'm so much bigger than the women I have dated.

jailbait said...

Reality: It ain't gonna work...mail his crap back. That being said, why do I have a SUITCASE of my ex's stuff sitting in my guest bedroom?

Oh, and you're lucky. This was going to be my last time checking your blog for a new post. I was about to institute a boycott.

Cece said...

I may be in the minority but throw them away. It isnt helping by keeping them and it only tortures you. I had my ex's favorite fitted. It beyond hurt for me to leave it in the trash one day as I was moving, but in the long run keeping it would have been worse. Looking at a reminder of a failed relationship,daily? No thanks. Now walk to the trash,put them in there, and then pour bleach on them to make sure you dont take them out. *As you can see I have alot of experience in this field.

kat said...

I have a pair of sweatpants too. Our situation doesn't seem nearly as intense as yours, but each time I pull them out they don't remind as much of him anymore as they used to.

They are just the most comfortable pair - and maybe the only ones - I own!

tiff said...

Favorite pants are favorite pants. They sound really comfortable.
But I keep all that sentimental crap too, from almost every relationship, so I don't know.

Lynn said...

Yes keep them, for practical reasons of course. although perhaps letting them go would help to make room in your drawer for new sweatpants? Better sweatpants?

Laurie said...

I'm with Cece. Toss 'em. Because mailing them back only says "Here! Look at me! I'm trying to get your attention!" And it's not the reaction you're after, it's the closure. If you get back together, you make new memories out of new items. If you don't, then you don't have to stare at the carcass of what didn't work.

I had such a hard time with this...I used to keep everything. But, the last time I moved (out of my house and into my bf's), I had to do some sorting. Because boxes of memories, many of which I didn't want to ever have to relive, had been following me around for years. So I chucked a huge portion of what I had. No sense in those things dragging me down any longer.

(Okay. I'll be honest. I DID keep pictures...But I stored them in my parents' house...Don't judge me!)

jali said...

I'm with cece and laurie.

Have an official 'out of my life' ceremony for yourself.

Get cute. (including shower - see previous comments on previous post)

Light candles.

Grab no frills trash bag.

Put items in trash bag.

Play dowloaded "I Don't Love You Anymore" by Teddy Pendergrass.

Sing along with song.

Blow out candles after making wishes for a great future.

Kick bag with items to curb.

Get in car, meet girlfriends (remember, you look really cute right now) and go dancing.

Elizabeth said...

I've got an entire drawer full of t-shirts. I'll never toss any of them.

Jodi said...

Brilliant post! It's been too long since I've said anything I think. I'm busy. THey've been a little sad, this one too, but I love the feeling your imagery creates. A lot of lyrics in posts today! ~Jodi

transient spork said...

This post is a little too close for comfort. I just spent the most hellish 3 days cleaning and sorting our shit. I thought about keeping them, the special things, but in the end I just couldn't. I left them with a note telling him to give them to his new girlfriend. I'm trying to stay away from other such childish comments. I just can't decide who to blame.Myself: for staying with someone that wasn't going to change, for so long. Or him for refusing to change

Amanda said...

amazing writing. i love this post. you're a great writer. and, specifically, i love the line, "But his remains, they don't just go on me, they get in me."

i will definitely be back to read more.

Deanna said...

I always let myself keep one thing. But just one. It may go into hiding, it may be out where i can see it. But I will pack up all the shit, then hold on to the one "forgotten" item, a shirt, a handkerchief, a CD, a book, a pair of shorts. Something. I can't help it.

Sally said...

I love Jali's idea.

Rebelioness said...

Transient Spork...I'm feeling you so much right now! UGH!!!