Monday, April 03, 2006

Hiatus

I was tired. Tired of disappointments, tired of obsessing, tired of sobbing myself to sleep, tired of everything. I could take no more. My happiness, my focus, my thoughts, my entire life was stifled. I desperately needed a break. So, on February 29, 2004 I gave up men for thirty days. No phone calls, no emails, no IMs, no dates, no number exchanges, nothing! Clubs were off limits to keep from even entering the mating environment. I was shifting my energy elsewhere. Men had taken up way too much of my time. Coaxing, convincing, caring, crying, carrying on, commiserating, craving, conversing, climaxing, cooling off, conniving, crushing, calling, caving, I had done too much, with only a tear soaked pillow and fleeting memories to show for all the effort. I refused to let any man occupy a single thought for an entire month. I was fasting with all that it entails, including prayer and Bible study. I needed strength and purpose to make it through thirty days and God was the only one to give it to me.

The tricky thing about trying not to think about men is that it only makes you think about them more. Having to remember not to remember only makes the memories rush faster. And rush they did. Memories haunted me, chasing me into sleep and welcoming me awake. The harder I tried to push them away, the faster they came. I began counting the days, until I wouldn't have to not think. I concentrated on putting together thoughtless minutes hoping they would become thoughtless hours. Needless to say the fast didn't work the way I planned it. But there was no way it could have. I couldn't focus on God when I was focused on escaping men.

Two years later, I'm tired again. But this time something is different. Disinterest has replaced disappointment, disenchantment traded in for disgust. Basically, I could care less and would rather not be bothered, period. I’m not trying to take a step back, I’m already disengaged.

I guess this has been coming for a long time. I haven’t been genuinely interested in anyone for months. Being embroiled in dating dramas or at the very least having a crush has always been a staple in my life. There is no one for me to like and using memories to fill the void just isn’t working for me. Living off recycled feelings from relationships that have long since died has become beyond pathetic. It needed to stop before I disowned myself due to an inability to respect myself in the morning.

Meeting someone new is a hassle I’m unwilling to endure. I know the situation is bad when I’m on an international phone call with my other half, Jailbait (many men could’ve gone to prison before her 18th birthday) complaining, “He’s too nice. He wouldn’t stop complimenting me.” When Flatty Girl made us a new friend last weekend, the fact that he was 6’5” with an uncanny resemblance to Khalil Cain (Raheim from the movie Juice, for those of you who don’t know) – meaning he could get it – wasn’t enough to make me care for more than 20 minutes. Dates are more like interviews and I’d rather save the Q&A for someone who’s gonna pay me every other week. In junior high, a successful party was measured by how many boys I danced with. Now, a successful night at the club is measured by how many men I can avoid. Dancing by myself tends to burn more calories than deflecting the wandering hands of a horny dance partner. Guess which one I choose.

I’m not so na├»ve to think I can’t be dissuaded from my disillusion. But I don’t want to be. I know myself well enough to know that I’m most vulnerable to temptation when I’m caught off guard. I’ve lost count how many times I’ve said, “But I wasn’t even interested in him at first,” after losing my clothes in freak dating accidents. Luckily, I already know who to stay away from and it's really no chore to do that. So, I find myself in familiar, yet new territory. I’m more than tired, I’m sick and tired, with an emphasis on the sick. Lately, men have started to make me itch (not down there). I’m hanging out on the sidelines, but this time I’m not wishing I could play the game. I’d rather occupy my time with anything else. I’m fasting again, but screw 30 days. This one’s lasting indefinitely.

9 comments:

Alicia said...

I feel you girl. Men make me sick, literally. I have been kind of taking a (involuntary, at first) hiatus from men also. The lame dude I told you about on the phone last night really sealed it for me. I have NO interest whatsoever. None of these dudes impress me and its starting to get really really tired. (Now, I know some of your ignant, thats right ignant, viewers are going to twist this into a "so that means you're going to be gay" thing, but thats not it. Just because we decide to leave men alone for a while doesn't meant that we are into women.)

Oh, and calling me "Jailbait", that ain't right. I've been legal for 6 years now!

.....those were the days..... :o)

Chesty larue said...

Alicia, only a handful of us new you were jailbait,now ER'BODY knows! =D

I've definitely been there...I was usually there once every two weeks or so after the shelf life of Mr.______ had expired. When I finally decided I was done, THAT'S when all the apologetic pathetic dudes from before came a' running as if what they did was somehow excusable! Didn't you write a blog about this mysterious radar? I think you need to do what's best for you and if that means going on sabbatical from men, then you should do just that. But...don't mistake lack of supply for less demand. If all there was to eat were brussel sprouts and pork-n-beans, I would surely lose my appetite, but that doesn't mean I should give up eating...

Sober In the City said...

Holy shit! I did a thirty day no men experiment myself.

The Experiment

I believe we came up with similar conclusions. Seems we have more than an ex with an R in his name in common.

But one important difference. I concluded that it wasn't the men that were the problem. There was something in me that needed to be nurtured. I couldn't keep looking to attention from the opposite sex for fulfillment.

It's not their fault that I'm not who or where I want to be. It's not because of men that my spiritual condition is out of balance. But I love to make men the scapegoat.

If I can handle the uncomfortability of focusing on myself, my attitudes and my actions, then I'm less likely to judge others.

Well, that's the theory anyways.

You are a pleasure to read

~Deb said...

After a horrible break up I went through, I took a one year hiatus and focused on God. The pain and turmoil that I experienced after the break up made me a stronger person and a more secure person for the next relationship. Now? I’m more confident and wiser. I think you’re becoming wiser to the fact of the dating scene. You sound like you’re maturing in this aspect---and that’s going to get you a ton of respect. Don’t let any man (or woman in my case) take control over you---or have them easily break your heart. Be strong—but don’t build walls. Vulnerability is one thing; holding in all your feelings is another.

Your writing is awesome. It’s my first visit here today. I can totally relate to much of what you say. It’s nice to see someone with as much faith in God as you do. Yes, it’s definitely hard to keep focused on God when there are other distractions. Remember---get rid of the idolizing (which I did a lot of) and keep your eyes on God. If God brings you to it—He’ll get you through it. We have to have enough love in us, in order to give love to others.

Alicia said...

Chesty, how she gonna call me out like that? I'm grown now, she needs to get over my past. :o(

Sober, thats cute, but trust me...its the men. They are just getting more and more lame, tired, wack, etc... as time goes by.

Lynn said...

30 days? That's it?

FLS said...

Oh know! Who's going to eat all this food?? lol.

Men aren't wack, we've just got options. And as we get older we get a lot more options. As YALL get older your options go away and you're left with a lot of wack options. We're not trying to impress you. You are just an option. And options are traded on a daily basis. You can fast all you want. Take a break all you want. Getting closer to God is good too. Maybe it'll remind you that in Genesis it says that "It is not good for a MAN to be alone." God created woman as a companion and a helpmate to MAN. Don't be mad if noone wants you to be there helper.

Alicia said...

nigga, as fine as I am I'll have options till the day I die!

Rebelioness aka chesty for those who don't REMEMBER said...

FLS...you've gone off to the Eastern Hemisphere and enlarged your ego, I see.

I wish you would stop frontin...