Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Just Thinking

It's after midnight and I feel compelled to write. There are a million and one ideas running through my head, but they're scattered. A thought here, a quote there, but nothing cohesive. Yet and still I feel a need to just say something. The ideas don't make sense yet, and they won't for a while. So I'm at a strange place, I'm writing with nothing to say. There is no story, there is no point, just a need. I will write and that is it. There will be no editing, there will be no clarification. Just my thoughts as they come to me. I've never done this before and I wonder where it will lead.
My mind skips a lot, from here to there, past to present, present to future. An idea hits and leaves soon afterwards. Sometimes the idea comes back again and again until it becomes more than just an idea, it becomes a passage. Other times the ideas vanish as quickly as they come. That's the thing about ideas, unless you make them concrete, they're fleeting. Feels like a lot of life is fleeting. Happiness, knowledge, self assurance. It all comes and goes. Sometimes I wonder if my love for words will be fleeting too. I used to love him and him too. I don't anymore. When I love, I can't imagine not loving and when I stop loving I don't remember why I loved. I don't want to lose what I love now because my love flits and flies and finds something else. Maybe that's why no one can love me and not stop. I haven't learned to do it myself, why should I expect anyone else to. I'm depressing myself with this line of thought and it needs to stop.
On another note, blogging with nothing to blog about is dangerous territory. Can't be tied up neatly, and it often goes where it's not supposed to go. Yes, I'm revealing. I tell a lot. But it's calculated. I know what I will and won't say before I say it. This time I don't. Will I say something I shouldn't? I probably already have.

5 comments:

Chesty larue said...

Huh? lol...

Yeah, you were definitely scatter-brained while writing this one, but one line you said really hit home, "When I love, I can't imagine not loving and when I stop loving I don't remember why I loved". That's gotta be the realest shit you ever wrote. It really underscores the fickleness of feelings. Was I not just in severe agony a few weeks ago over the youngin'? Now that Fiddy is around, I don't even think about him and I wonder why I ever thought he was all that. Why was he worth my tears then but not worth a thought now? It's weird these emotions...

RAY-HOVA said...

Okay, its been what 3 years since I've known you. Now I finally know why I as you said "love you and cant stop", we have the same thoughts. Thanks for expressing them in words that made me emotional reading them. I completely understand where you are in life, as I am there myself. Its frustrating, and being selfish about it... it sucks. Stepping back and putting things into perspective, we are the luckiest people on this planet. Young, gifted, and Black. What a treasure.

Leah said...

Yeah, that "When I love, I can't imagine not loving and when I stop loving I don't remember why I loved"? That is HUGE.

Jailbait said...

I'm with Chesty and Leah. It is crazy how we get so wrapped up in someone, and then weeks/months/years down the line they don't mean crap to us. Remember when I was all heart-broken over Chi? That was some mess. I mean, the man was a beautiful, chocolate, adonis looking creature, but really he wasn't all that. He was like 19 and I was 15 (is that why you called me jailbait?) and he was a virgin. Not saying a man has to have sex to be a MAN...but you gotta think, why was a (later) 16 year old girl, a 20 year old's first?

Elizabeth said...

"Sometimes I wonder if my love for words will be fleeting too." You're a great writer, Cheetarah, with a powerful voice. Men will come and go, but words and girlfriends will never leave you.