Monday, April 17, 2006

Before the Tears

I'm not a masochist. At least not anymore. I haven't been for a long time. I stopped believing that love has to hurt in order to be real sometime between my 20th and 22nd birthday. I don't want a guy who can be nice, I want a guy who really is nice - with a touch of sarcasm thrown in here and there for kicks. Assholes need not apply.
Since I graduated from college, I have done a lot of crying over men, with the majority dedicated to the Idiot Who Made Me Cry and The Guy Who Shouldn't Make Me Cry. I have wounds that have healed and some that probably never will. In spite of it all, I can still look at both of these men and honestly say that they are great guys. Huh? Great guys don't make girls cry. Oh really? Well think about it this way.
Before they made me cry, they made me smile all the time. Before the tears there was laughter, tons of it. The very thought of them sent my stomach into butterfly induced spasms. They called every night and talked to me until I fell asleep. And when we were together they never let me sleep outside the comfort of their arms. They indulged my whims and met my needs. They were my refuge and solace when being away from home was more than I could take. For a little while they were my home until it all burned to the ground.
Sometimes I still get homesick. Great guys screw up all the time and it hurts a hundred times more because when it's over you know exactly what it is you're missing. I don't miss being hurt, being ignored, being neglected or crying myself to sleep. I don't want any of that ever again. But everything that happened before the salty streams stained my face, all of that I would keep forever.

9 comments:

RebeLioness said...

GIRL!!! You KNOW I feel you given my little incident last night. Actually this blog really helped confirm that I'm okay with my decision. He is a great guy...let's just hope he doesn't make me cry over such STUPID shit again.

Buffy said...

Loved the way you finished this post.

Your writing does 'love' without the cheese.

It's great.

Geoffrey Hirschfeld said...

Yeah, I know how this works from the other side of the coin, being the one who screws up. Would I trade stuff that I have done in a relationship? Yeah, I would, because I know that I could have done better. On the same side of the coin, No, I wouldn't, because there is all of that laughter that I would never get back.

Great post, BTW. And I did post a comment/compliment/request in the comments on my blog about your post. Take care!

Cece said...

Great Guys screw up all the time..

Aint that the truth! When i was going through my ahem *breakup* Everyone kept saying he is an asshole, he is shit, and all those things your friends say to try to make you feel better and the whole while in your head you like He wasn't an asshole he was smart funny cute whatever. Or maybe I'm just in denial or better yet that grey area ;)

Miss Pickle said...

It's sometimes hard to remember the tears when you're missing the laughter. The guys that have made me cry have always had at least one redeeming quality that causes me to look back fondly on them...even if it's years (and years) down the road. ;O)

~Deb said...

I wrote something similar as far as crying & being depressed in my blog---but for the other gender. (Great minds, huh?)

I remember a time when I just was going to end it for one girl. Three years later, I’m so glad that I didn’t. I mean, the mental torture we can put ourselves through is just amazing. Crying is good, but when it gets to a point of depression, you have to step back and look at it for what it is.

I hope you’re feeling better. Crying is just a release of emotions. It’s healthy, until it goes too far.

~Deb said...

And remember, great girls screw up too!

Serena said...

Love this post!

Alicia said...

Maybe I'm too fresh in my bitterness, but I don't agree. I know we had some good times, but the hurt I've experienced from him FAR out-weighs any fond memories. Maybe in a couple of years I will look back and smile....who knows. I guess he's a good guy, just not for me.