Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Crazy is as Crazy Does

More than anything in this world, I hate being called crazy. It's annoying when my friends say it and particularly grating when my family says it. But NOTHING pisses me off more than when a man says, "You're crazy." Damn it, I am NOT crazy. I'm perfectly sane. I swear it! Alright, fine, maybe I'm half crazy. But it's not my fault.
Here's what I've come to realize, at some point in time, every man thinks that his girlfriend is crazy. And to be honest, he's probably right. But in defense of females worldwide, I've gotta say, we didn't start out crazy. We were driven to insanity by the men we care about. Don't believe me? Watch General Hospital. Carly wound up in a sanitarium because of Sonny. Maybe by getting this issue out in the open we can prevent another previously stable woman from losing her marbles over a set of cute dimples and a nice ass.
Now Men, when you first met us, we were in our right minds. In fact we were that cool, fun, laid back chick that you've waited for your entire life. We'd sit on the couch all day on Sunday watching football with you. We'd get all dolled up and make you a nice dinner for two. We'd laugh at your crude jokes and match them with even cruder ones of our own. We made no demands and were completely lucid and rational at all times. Hell, we were just like you and your boys except with longer hair and boobs. Then seemingly out of the blue, ying to your yang morphs into the nagging psycho girlfriend from hell. What happened?
Well Men, I'll tell you what happened. But before I do, let's take a closer look at what was going on when your girl was "normal." I'd bet the negative balance in my checking account that you were probably calling her all the time and talking for hours; leaving her cute text messages, emails, and notes about how much you like her/miss her/want her; spending every moment of your free time with her; keeping your fridge stocked with Yoplait and granola bars just for me; watching soap operas with me; letting me keep your sweatpants...wait, I mean HER...yes her...sorry it got personal for a second. Anyways, basically she was happy, laidback, and content because you gave her every reason to be. So it stands to reason that maybe the reason that she's whiny, uptight, and crazy is because you're no longer giving her a reason to be cool, calm, and collected. HHMMMMMM, there's a thought.
What you men don't seem to realize is that women are creatures of habit and women notice EVERYTHING. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you get us used to things, the moment anything changes we're gonna think something is wrong. For some reason you guys have a tendency to get complacent. You don't say and do the things you initially did to get us. Well when that stuff stops, the crazy begins. But to us women, it's not crazy. We're simply trying to be mature adults and communicate our issues. The problem is, men don't see the issue. For some strange reason men think that as long as they're still with us, we're to assume that the feelings are still there and you still like us just as much as you did before. You always say, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be." But that's not really believeable when after a while your contribution to the relationship is just "being there." Taking up space on the couch next to us does not constitute showing interest. Having the same "Hey how ya doing?" conversation on the phone every night does not make us feel desired. Basically, Karen White said it best when she sang, "You're just going through the motions and you're not being fair." Going through the motions does not make a woman feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and all the other things she needs to feel in order to be laidback, cool, and carefree.
Playing games is for children and we're grown women now with jobs, bank accounts, and fuzzy pajamas with the feet. We're beyond the games. So we sit our men down and say, "We need to talk. I'm sensing that there's something wrong and I want to fix it," or something along those lines. So we pour our hearts out to you. We explain how we're feeling and why. And after we get it all out we look deep into your eyes and all we see is a blank stare of confusion. So we try to say it again. More blank stares. Then we try to use different words and different examples and analogies and you still stare blankly. After a while it seems like all we're doing is saying the same thing over and over and over again. All of a sudden we've gone from cool chick to crazy chick faster than it took Tom to knock up Katie.
Just so you know, we know we sound like a broken record, and we hate it. But all we want is to be understood. All we want is to just see the faint glimmer of comprehension in your vacant, childlike eyes. Well, that's not all we want. We also want you to do the things you used to do before you got in our pants. But that's secondary. When we feel like we're not being heard or understood we keep on harping on the same issues ad nauseum. We really don't want to do this. In fact, we can sense when we're about to do it and we're helpless to stop ourselves. It's like an out of body experience. We can hear how we sound and we know it's annoying you and we can sense the craziness, but it's out of our hands and beyond our control. We just have to keep at it until you get it. So please, do us and yourselves a favor....either never stop acting the way you did when we first met you or try to meet us halfway and say, "Baby, I understand." It'll go over so much better than saying, "Bitch, you crazy!"


rozm!chelle said...

*Clap clap* woo hoo! another wonderful blog. and how truueeeee it is...I know i've been called crazy a time or two =)

Anonymous said...

Stop me when Im wrong (which is never the case, so just shut up and listen)…

How about those days of watching football together on those Sunday afternoons become the days of yelling from the bedroom (which now sees less action than Charles Rogers - please get the joke), "make sure you clean up after yourself", all while wearing your best moo moo and hair scarf.

And those dolled up dinners you used to prepare are now, at best, dried out Forman chicken breast with minute rice, again while wearing your moo moo and tired ass hair scarf. Someone please pass the milk and cereal bowl.

Those crude jokes you thought were cute are now annoyances followed by ever constant request that we GROW THE FUCK UP!

…All this being said, we (really I mean YOU) need to understand that things change. And change doesn’t mean unhappy. There are phases throughout all relationships; courting, dating, commitment, intimacy (place in any given order), etc. With each phase the relationship changes. Along with the relationship changing, the individuals in the relationship change as well. Try mismatching the common behavior of the individuals of each phase with actual different phases…..if you get what I just said, you know that chances are that shit just doesn’t work.

Anonymous said...

AMEN!!! The truth has been spoken!!

JLANE said...

Liz I started a blog.

Anonymous said...

Yo...I'm over here damn near pissing in my pants! 10inchstud05? Farm animals? You're one twisted trick! Anyway, whoo...that was funny.

And you know who this is heffa!