Thursday, July 28, 2005

Rules of Disengagement

Let me start by saying that this post is in no way shape or form about being engaged to be married. I am not engaged, have never been engaged, and am so far from being engaged I don't even see it on the horizon. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's get to what this post is about: breaking up. Oh, but I'm not talking about ending a 4 year relationship that you've been in 2 and a half years too long. I'm talking about breaking up with someone you were never technically with in the first place. Aaahhh yes, the gray area. It's not officially a relationship, but you're definitely involved with each other. Anyone who has ever dated has been in this gray area. Hell, if you're like me, you just might live in it. It goes a little something like this. Boy meets girl. Boy likes girl. Boy takes girl out. Boy calls girl every night and they talk for hours. Boy kisses girl. Girl's heart flutters. Boy tells girl he really likes her. Girl starts to envision future with boy. Boy stops calling. Girl thinks "WTF!!"
The only question that comes to mind is WHY? Why stop calling? Why tell her you like her? Why even start anything in the first place if this is how it's going to end? Why, why, why, why, why? Why can't you just say, "I don't think I want to be in this anymore?" If you ask most men, they'll tell you they would rather have a rectal exam than tell a woman, "I'm just not feeling you anymore...(even though my tongue was in your ear 2 days ago)." What are you so afraid of? That we're going to beg you to stay with us? Nope, go ahead and go. That we're going to stalk you until you change your mind?* Too much pride for that. That we're going to cry? Well, okay we might do that. But that too shall pass. Guess what. You aren't the first guy that hasn't worked out, and as sad as it is to think this, you more than likely won't be the last. We've gotten over it before, and YES, we will get over you. Yeah, we liked you. Yeah we wanted a future with you. But you're not so special that you won't become a distant memory just like whatshisname did. Get over yourself!!
I recognize that not every single gray area thing will develop into a black and white relationship. That's perfectly fine. But at the very least give it a proper burial when the thing dies. Yes, I know the break up conversation can be a bit awkward. But isn't it even more awkward to run into someone you just cut off without a word. What are you gonna say? "Hey, I'm alive, I've just been a prick and not called you in 3 months." C'mon guys, grow a pair and just have the "talk." It's best to do it in person, however if that's not feasible call her. If you get her voicemail, call back! Don't send an email or leave a post-it note on the fridge. Give her the dignity of a conversation. Say the words to her and give her the opportunity to ask a question or two. At least give her that respect. If she's good enough to take out, call, hold, and fondle, then she's good enough to be broken up with properly. After that you never have to come over, call, email, or even think about her again. You've done your part and given her closure. She's no longer left wondering why and what she did wrong and hoping you'll eventually call. FYI: Sometimes it's the way we disentangle that means more than the way we got entangled in the first place.

*If the woman you date would do any of the above, I suggest you stop hooking up with psycho bitches from hell. That's your fault.

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