Thursday, November 03, 2005

License to Drive

The Midwest has been my "home" for the past three years, three months, three weeks, and five days. Let me tell you it's nothing like NY. Places close early, you can't catch a cab whenever you want, the radio stations suck, there's nothing to do, and there's no place to shop. But even worse than all that, worse than the fact that there are no men within a 500 mile radius, is the fact that these mofos can't drive to save their lives. It was bad in Minnesota, but it's even more horrendous in Michigan. I sincerely believe that anyone born in the Midwest is completely incapable of operating a motor vehicle.
I decided to test my theory and do a little unscientific research for the last few weeks. My observations shocked me. I knew it was bad, but this is ridiculous.
Exhibit A: When the light turned green at an intersection, it took the car in front of 45 seconds to realize that he was supposed to go. Only 3 cars in a long line of vehicles made it through the light.
Exhibit B: 10 out of every 5 drivers in this state go under the speed limit while driving in the left lane on highways. Big fat MACK truck drivers are the worst offenders. FYI Bubba, the 18 wheelers are supposed to stay in the right lane!
Exhibit 3: Midwestern drivers will wait behind one stalled vehicle instead of switching into the perfectly empty lane right next to them, thus holding up traffic for miles.
Exhibit X: Each and every one of these idiots out here slows down to under 5 MPH to make a simple right hand turn.
Exhibit 3: One drop of percipitation in any form will lead to traffic jams and 12 car pile ups.
Exhibit WTF: I saw someone who was NOT Amish driving a horse and buggy just last week
All of this evidence, witnessed with my own two eyes, has led me to the conclusion that in order to get your license out here one must show complete and total vehicular ineptitude. The ironic part is, you have to take driver's ed in order to get your license in the State of MI. What the hell are they teaching people? How to improperly operate a motor vehicle? Other states take driving very seriously and want to ensure that every licensed driver knows what they are doing behind the wheel. In NY most drivers have to take their road tests 6 times before they pass (well at least I did), in order to ensure they have the necessary skills.
The thing is, I would expect bad driving south of the Mason Dixon line and in the Great Plains states. But come on, this is freaking Michigan!! The auto capitol of America. Someone born in this state has got to realize that green means go! It's really sad when the driving in Atlanta, GA is better than the driving here. And I've been there so I've seen it myself. Folks in the ATL actually know how to get from Point A to Point B ASAP. That's surprising for a state where you can get married at 14 and first cousins aren't considered close relatives.
I'm going to leave Michigan drivers with a few words of advice. First, when the light turns green, that means drive through the intersection. Do not just sit there and marvel at how the pretty colors changed. Secondly, the speed limit is NOT really a limit. It's just the starting off point for how fast you can really go. Driving 35 MPH in a 45 zone is NOT acceptable. You can go 55 and it'll be okay. Additionally, learn to whip your vehicle. Right hand turns aren't that hard. Just ease off the gas and turn the wheel. It's simple. Lastly, stay the hell off the road when I'm driving!


Anonymous said...

"10 out of every 5 drivers in this state go under the speed limit while driving in the left lane on highways."

I know that IVY league taught you math a lil better than that.

Anonymous said...

New York drivers suck. They're dangerous, discourteous, murderous, and basically out of control. Things are slower in the Midwest and because the pace is slower, people can get away with that even though it is annoying.