Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Don't Speak

Women talk. It's a fact of life like taxes, underpaying jobs, and the freshman fifteen. We talk when we're happy, when we're bored, when we're sad, when we're angy, when we're confused. We talk all the damn time. We even talk when we're not supposed to.

It's difficult for me to keep my life to myself. I like confirmations and validations regarding what I think, feel, and do. Advice. That's what it's called. What should I do? What does this mean? Advice isn't free, though. I have to give the story to get the answers I seek. Usually there's no harm in telling a story. It's my business and if I choose to let someone in on my world the only person it affects is me. But sometimes it's not just my story. When it's our story, it's not mine to tell.

I couldn't help myself. I was happy, confused, giddy, and in desperate need of an outlet. I called Chesty LaRue and told her everything. She listened as I recounted the details. How it started, where it was going, the potential pitfalls, and why I was out of my blasted mind for even putting myself in the situation. Chesty is awesome. She's objective and tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. She made me think, and the thoughts weren't pretty. Talking to Chesty wasn't a mistake. Telling him I talked to Chesty was.

Normally, I'm an excellent liar. Spinning believable stories is an artform I've mastered. But there are some people I can't lie to. They ask, I answer. Hell, sometimes I even offer information. Certain situations require full disclosure. When it's all said and done, they can't say I lied to them. When I brought my doubts to him, he asked where they came from. I told him the truth.
"Why did you say something to her?"
Because women talk. It's a fact of life.

Saying something to Chesty wasn't a big deal. Saying something to my other friends was. Friends call and ask about my life and I tell them. It's not a big deal to me, but it is to him. In my mind he was overreacting. What could possibly go wrong. Yes, my friends ask questions, make comments, and give suggestions. But in the end, I always do what I want regardless. Their views may plant seeds, but they never sway me. He said it would only lead to trouble. I didn't believe him. He was right.

Sharing isn't caring when all parties are gathered at the same location and large amounts of alcohol are being consumed. Sharing turns into melee. He said this, she said that. "Listen to me. I'm your friend." "No, listen to me, I won't lie to you." All of a sudden, we're no longer in our mid twenties with good careers. We're 16 years old arguing in the middle of the cafeteria. Scenes are memorable in high school, not so much at 3 a.m. outside a packed club.

I have no clue how it all snowballed out of control. Maybe we were in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong people. Maybe talking is okay when the parties talked to never meet the parties talked about. Maybe I should just keep my damn mouth shut for once. Maybe I haven't learned my lesson because all I really want to do is call a friend and spill my guts.


Anonymous said...

yep. talking it out is often so necessary, but it sometimes comes back to bite.
for what it's worth, I find it does help to limit the purge to people who don't know the subject, so the 'advice' is at least partly objective, and only biased by how they feel about ME.
chin up, buckaroo!

Anonymous said...

What you NEED to do is call your friend in GERMANY who will probably NEVER meet the people you talk about.

Yeah, thanks for keeping me out of the loop.

Anonymous said...

To my beautiful sisters,

Girlfriends talking too much to her girls about our relationship have definitely been the demise of that relationship in the past. Yes, you want to share your life, express yourself, get feedback, and all that other stuff. But guess what, its not just your laundry you’re airing out. To tell someone elses information and personal life is rude and disrespectful. Im sure your special person does not want any and everyone (especially females that hold no obligation to him) knowing and being able to spread truths or, falses, about his life.

Remember when you have that girls night in, late phone conversation, or that drunken episode outside the club, its not only your info your spilling. So be fare to him and let have his privacy, and let him choose to disclose it to whom he wishes.

Anonymous said...

Nice blog! From a white girl in the south in the middle of nowhere! Keep writing.

Anonymous said...

Wow...you're so right, Chesty IS awesome! =D But, don't beat yourself up. The fact is, men talk, too--they're just not as detailed as we are, and that's what I've learned to practice during the course of my current relationship.

Taki is right, many of my relationships went sour when during an argument I belt out what my best friend(s) thought of the situation. The fact of the matter is when you're having a lover's quarrel, you really don't need your 5 girls' voices, opinions, and criticisms running through your head. It makes you focus LESS on what YOU really want, and MORE on what would please your friends so they don't think you're a fool the next time you come running to them for a shoulder to cry on.

Now, there're exceptions to every rule and if you really need support then support you should seek. Advice, on the other hand, is very tricky b/c it's most always going to be biased. I've become objective recently, and that's because I've seen just how easy it is for to engage in and put up with all the things I swore I never would. C'est la vie.

Good luck, toots...