Monday, August 08, 2005


The U.S. has been fighting this war in Iraq for about 2 years now give or take a year or 2. Our ever effective leader, G-dub, was on the hunt for WMDs, Weapons of Mass Destruction. But little did he know that the WMDs aren't in Iraq at all. Oh no, the weapon of mass destruction that can do the most damage has been sitting right under Bush's nose right here in the USA. And what pretell would this WMD be? None other than AOL Instant Messenger. And the worst part of this whole sordid ordeal is that AIM has been doing unspeakable damage for years and no one has tried to stop it.
AIM's treachery first became apparent to me my sophomore year of college. I was away from campus my 2nd semester doing an internship at the state capitol. Since free nationwide long distance didn't exist in those days, I had to use Instant Messenger to keep in touch with my friends at school. One night I was chatting with my friend, let's call him Jock Boy. So we're chatting up a storm when out of nowhere he takes offense to something I've said (I can't remember what it was...that was 5 years ago). Now I'm sitting there thinking relax it's a freakin joke, obviously. Little did I know that sarcasm doesn't translate well via instant messenger. Next thing I know he's bringing up OLD shit from 10 months ago and we're having the worst instant message fight in the history of AIM. I'm talking CAPS lock and everything!!! Needless to say we didn't speak for weeks and it took us months to get back to how we used to be. Now that I think about it, I don't think we've ever truly gotten back to the way we were before that night. AOL Instant Messenger destroyed us.
I see AIM ruining lives everyday. Normal, well adjusted women are becoming crazed baboons all because of AOL Instant Messenger. Anyone who has ever dated has played the "I'm not speaking to him until he speaks to me first" game. The rules are simple under absolutely no circumstance are you to call, email, instant message, or contact him in any way shape or form until he does so first. This game is usually played once at least 3 conversations have been initiated by you without one from him. Before the advent of AIM, the telephone was the only tool of emotional torture used. But AOL decided that 1 wasn't enough. Oh no, women needed more ways to feel the neglect. Enter the Buddy List. No weapon in the history of dating warfare has been more lethal. You can see him there. You know he's at home. There's no away message, the screen name isn't dim. He's there, happily chatting the hours away with EVERYONE else but YOU!! And the worst part is, you know he sees your screen name too, he's just choosing not to run his mouse over your name and double click. It's as if he wants you to know that he's purposely ignoring you. If that wasn't enough AOL likes to twist the knife even more with those damn IM sounds. Everytime that door slams shut you gotta check the Buddy List to make sure that man did not just log off without saying nathan for the past 2 hours. Now you could end your torture by logging off, but that's not gonna happen. Cause what if he all of sudden wanted to send you an IM but you weren't logged on. We can't have that now, can we. Another option is to just block him so you don't see him online, but the problem with that is he can't see you online either, and he must be able to see you are online and available just in case. So you decide the best way to end the torture is to just take him off your buddy list so you don't have to see him there. However, without fail, within 72 hours of you removing his name from your list you get the notification from AOL that sHiTHead2005 is sending you an Instant Message. And without fail we accept. AIM is a crafty son-of-a-bitch, because the second you click Accept, sHiTHead2005 goes right back on your buddy list and the cycle begins all over again.
It's sad that our government is much more concerned about terrorists and nuclear and biological weapons. The real terrorists are right here at home and they use their WMD at leisure. They fire away from college computer labs, public libraries, home offices, EVERYWHERE. But have Bush, the Cabinet, or Congress called for any widespread campaign to snuff them out? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Probably cause they're using AIM themselves. Freakin terrorist bastards.

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