Monday, June 19, 2006

Metamorphosis

February 21, 2001
Dear Diary,

I just don't get it. It's Grammy night and I'm at home. I wasn't even asked to go. This is just like that time when I was the only member of Kids Inc who didn't get an invite to the new rich kid's birthday party cause I was too young. Except, well, this time I'm totally old enough and it's like, for real. This is so freaking unfair. I mean really! What's the big deal about J Lo anyways? Hello! I'm the original triple threat. She doesn't even sing and act at the same time, like I did. And I'd bet all of Wild Orchid's album sales that she can't play the tambourine like I did. Oh, there's Britney and ughh, Christina too. Copy cat bitches! I'm the Disney channel's original cute blonde girl! And excuse me Brit, but you totally stole my singing style. Nasal whining?!! That's all me, you lyrca wearing Lolita!
OH MY GOD!! Is that...? It is! Jennifer Love Hewitt?!! What's she doing there? Wasn't Party of Five cancelled? How in the world is she more famous than me? Does anyone even remember her character's name on Kids Inc? I don't think so! It's gotta be the boobs. That's it. Who cares if she has an album coming out. She could never sing like me, anyways.
You know something, diary. I was so sure that leaving the band when I was 14 was the right decision. Well, that and the producers said I was too old to do another season, which was total bullshit cause Ryan stayed til he was like 18 or something. But I was way confident. If Martika could make it all the way to #1 with a depressing ditty like Toy Soldiers, then I was definitely going to be a star. So what the fuck happened?!! Renee promised me that Wild Orchid would be huge. Lying tramp. No one even remembers our hit "Talk to Me." Do I remember it?
This is depressing. I've gotta find a way to get back on top, where I belong. Oh wait...who are those guys. Hmm, some rap group with a Philipino and two black guys. Hey, are they wearing Jordache? I totally rocked Jordache back in '84. I could show them a thing or two. That would be so funny. A white chick leading a rap group. Well, we did sing "Can't Touch This" on Kids Inc that one time. And I did learn the running man. What if...nah, that's crazy. But maybe, just maybe....hmmmm. BRB, diary......

All it took was some self tanner, hair dye, collagen, heavy black eye liner (you know, to make my eyes all slanty), and some new threads (Latin logo T was totally brilliant), but I did it! Who says you can't go from white to ethnically ambiguous? Watch out world, here comes Stacy Fergu.....oh no, that's too vanilla. Gotta be exotic. Think, think, think. Yes, that's it! Bye bye Stacy Ferguson


HELLO FERGIE!!!

21 comments:

Laurie said...

I'm so glad that someone besides me remembers Kids, Inc. and Martika. I thought I was alone in my sea of memories!

RebeLioness said...

What is WRONG with you!?

This is so funny...don't let her get a hold of it, though. She might just take offense and sue you (and you're broke as a joke)!

But, I didn't even know this much about her nor did I know there WAS this much to know about her, though her appearance on the rap scene via Black Eyed Peas did seem mad random to say the least. I think they both benefitted. Remember when they were a serious "conscious" underground rap group? Now they sing/rap about funking with people's hearts and lumps-n-humps! Talk about commercial!

Anyway, thanks for the (interesting) blog post...

Buffy said...

Holy Crap!

And...

So freakin' funny.

RayHova said...

She really is ethnically ambiguous. Or at least until you posted that Candace Cameron look-a-like picture of her. Now she's just plain ol white Stacy again.

The Chronic Curmudgeon said...

I despise the BEP like I despise the NY Yankees, George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden. In fact, the BEP may be slightly more evil than the aforementioned trio. For "My Humps" alone, there is a corner in Dante's worst circle of hell reserved just for all of them. Especially Fergie.

But I liked your post all the same.

Mocha_Grl said...

LOL@ the chronic...My Humps makes me violently ill.

Ok that was the funniest post I've read in a while! Thank you.

Tense Teacher said...

Too, too funny.
Brilliant, even.

Cece said...

I'm with you on Kids Inc, but you lost me on Martika. And I love Fergie. Love. And My humps is my ringtone so for all yall hating. Eat that. I love my lady lumps.
PS My word confirmation is seriously like 11 letter long. Wssup with that??

kat said...

All together now -

"Looks like we maaade it, we're Kids Incooooooorporaaaaaaaaaated! K! I! D! S! Yeah!"

jailbait said...

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! I didn't know that was her. Wow, Ms. Fergie sure has grown up!

My lovely lady lumps, in the back and in the front...

DS said...

i f-ing can't believe that is the same person. I remember that dumb ass show, and I would of never guessed that they were the same person. Actually I never thought of it. who would think anyone from that show freaking did anything half way cool.

Sangindiva said...

GIRL you are soo funny!
This was a great post!

Christina_the_wench said...

Now I got "My Humps" playing in this feeble mind of mine. Thank you. (sticks out tongue)

nikki said...

you just brought back memories...i'd like to forget. LOL

great post!

Bougie Black Boy said...

this was absolutely HILARIOUS!!!!! i love you!

Trish said...

Is that really her in the first picture? That is amazing.

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with "Fergie's" diary re: Jennifer Love Hewitt. I just don't get her. She irritated me on "Party of Five" and she got Enrique in trouble with that crazy Mickey Rourke in that "Hero" video. She needs to be stopped! ;)

Rev. Smokin Steve said...

Now I got the fuckin Kids Inc song in my head. Thanks a lot!

Jennifer said...

Maybe her social consciousness got lipsucked out of her brain to make room for her Dumb Barbie transplant. Holy shit. The girl's a mess. Is she still peein' on herself in public?

*snort*

Lynn said...

If that is really her, then there is hope for me yet!

K said...

ahahahhahaha

missbhavens said...

Loving. You. I KNEW underneath all that spray-tan was...well...a pasty junior high-school student.