Friday, June 23, 2006

I Don't Wanna Know

He shouldn't have told me. Yes, I begged him for the details. "Tell me exactly what was said,"I pleaded. He was vague, talking around the issue. If he was a woman it wouldn't be so difficult. If he was a woman he could give me dates, times, locations, and a detailed rundown of who said what first complete with commentary on facial expressions and body language. But he's a man, so he couldn't do that. I pressed and needled and whined until he told me everything he could remember about the conversation that took place over a year ago. They say that knowledge is power. Why do I feel so powerless now that I know?

I thought knowing that I wasn't the only one who remembered what we used to be would make me feel better, a little less alone and a lot less pathetic. But when the grapevine brought the good news, the relief wasn't attached. Okay, so he gave an FYI, a brief heads up to let someone else know that he had first dibs once upon a time. On some level he still cares what I do (becauese he wouldn't have opened his mouth if he didnt). Why don't I feel vindicated?

The information is useless. One big so the fuck what. It doesn't warrant a "we need to talk" or "how do you feel about me?" It's just a bug that planted itself in my brain and triggers things that don't need to be triggered. A couple of errant what ifs are not what I need right now. There's no moral victory in hearing that I'm not the only one who talks about it (yeah, I'm at a one million to one advantage, but once is better than not at all). More than anything it pisses me off. On 90210 Dylan once told Brenda, "You gave up any right to ask about my sex life when you decided you didn't want to be a part of it." And I must say that I agree. The day he dumped me he gave up any right to care about who I see or what I'm doing. If he wanted to care he should've done so 2 years ago when that was what I needed. Right now, it would be easier to continue thinking that I don't cross his radar. Stirring up old shit just brings flies.

16 comments:

The said...

Other's may wield weapons, pointing them at our joy, but it is we that allow the penetration.

Put your shield back up and tell him to step the hell off.

Lynn said...

It's better to let things sit where they were when you left them, yes.

tiff said...

A year ago, it should've warmed your heart. Now, I agree with G, don't let it get to you. It's obviously his loss.

Buffy said...

I love that you quote 90210. :)

Cece said...

Just so we are clear... Like I said on the phone, No comment ;-)

jali said...

You write from the heart and it's beautiful.

FLS said...

Moo.

Elizabeth said...

Jali is right, your heart comes through beautifully in your writing. I so enjoy visiting your blog. You've given me courage to be more naked on mine.

Some times we need to just move past things, but some times,when it seems the past keeps coming back to haunt, maybe there's something unresolved in our hearts that we need to think through.

Best,

-e

RebeLioness said...

So true...

Wayne Allen Sallee said...

Wait a minute! Cece gets to PHONE you? Sheesh. I should be so lucky.

jailbait said...

um...can I get some details please?

Rebelioness said...

Jailbait! Seems me and you are equally lost! =D

Trish said...

4 words - NOT.WORTH.YOUR.TIME!!!! I have one of these from my past girl, and he rears his ugly (so sexy) head from time to time. Can you tell I'm completly over him?!?! It's awful when you're going along doing just fine and then (notworthyourtime) decides to plant that bug!! Keep on keepin on girl!!

NegroPino™ said...

Dont'cha just hate that......when they dont know how to let go and relenquish...

jailbait said...

rebelioness aka chesty: I feel slighted. How does Ms. Cece know and we don't? Liz is about to get cut off...lets boycott.

princessdominique said...

Sounds like a Johnny come lately. Protect yourself. People are so selfish they don't even amaze me anymore.