Sunday, March 19, 2006

When I'm Fat

When I'm fat I'm insecure. I don't like standing next to skinny girls cause I don't quite measure up. I'm not like I used to be and now I'm not good enough. My friends tell me I'm beautiful no matter what the scale says. I smile and agree that they are right, but I know I'd rather be beautiful weighing a lot less.
When I'm fat I feel guilty. I ate creamy soup with my salad and it probably added a pound. I took a break during my workout and those are calories I won't burn now. I feel guilty for looking at the pizza coupons that come in the mail. It gets worse as I dig them out of the trash. And it suffocates me as I eat the whole thing.
When I'm fat, I try to feel thin. I suck in my stomach, throw back my shoulders, and move my hips when I walk. The twitch in my hips makes my waist seem smaller. Feeling thin makes me feel better.

When I'm fat I hate to shop. I know I can't fit in that size. I can't buy the next one bigger cause I don't want to admit that's now me. And I dread the dressing rooms. There are too many mirrors with too many angles revealing too many imperfections. I'd rather avoid it all.

When I'm fat I obsess. My conversations revolve around getting thin. If my friends ever got sick of me and stopped speaking, I'd obsess to these four walls.

When I'm fat, the only thing I want is to be thin. Nothing seems to work. I keep a food journal until I eat something I don't want to see in writing. I try the South Beach Diet, but scarf a load of cookies the second I'm told ONE is okay. I hired a personal trainer and all that money went to waste. I try to recreate what I did before. I got skinny after college and I'm sure I can do it once more.

When I'm fat there is an entire drawer of clothes that don't fit. I refuse to throw them away, cause that would mean I'm giving in.

When I'm fat I envision the future. In the future I'll be thin. When I'm thin I'll do all the things I wouldn't do when I'm fat.

13 comments:

Alicia said...

"When I'm fat there is an entire drawer of clothes that don't fit. I refuse to throw them away, cause that would mean I'm giving in." Since I'm getting emaciated and you aren't, let me lighten your load. :o)

Anonymous said...

C'mon now, I'm getting bored....

Lynn said...

Welcome to my world. I totally understand. Above all, though, I wish for self-acceptance rather than getting "super-skinny." Very tough!

K said...

This is really sad, but well-written. Good luck on your anti-fat quest.

Chesty LaRue said...

I'm with anonymous! This is just degrading! You know, I actually thought to start a blog last night stemming from our convo in which you, once again, obsessed about being fat and all this other BS. Liz, why are you so ungrateful? You are intelligent, self-assured, talented, saved, unique, funny, etc... You pining about being fat makes you sound like every other 1lb.-over-skinny girl who looks in the mirror and doesn't see "perfection". You know why your clothes don't fit? Because they weren't meant to fit to begin with! They make the clothes smaller so that women like you and me can then spend thousands in cosmetics, new clothes, diet pills & books, exercise tapes, etc... and they can get our money THAT way!
I am working out, too, but my main drive is being healthy and living longer. You never once mention or seem to appreciate how healthy you are! There are those out there with cancer, sickle cell anemia, diabetes, herpes...and if their main concern was a few extra pounds, I'm sure they'd be delighted. The worst part is YOU'RE NOT FAT. That same "discomfort" you feel when you're shopping with thin women, is the same I've felt when I'm with you. Your gut isn't nearly as big as mine, and you can always wear cute tops because you don't have 40DDs, where the only useful fabric is seemingly lycra! I can't ever wear strapless or spaghetti strap anything! But, I also realize that I can't change that so I work with what I've got! Your blogs have always been very enlightening and entertaining, but this is just embarassing! GET OVER IT!

bt said said...

Not to jump on the bandwagon but yeah you buggin on this one, your nto even close to fat and if you were who cares sisters were meant to have meat on them stick figures don't do it for us, so be resaonable in what you eat but don't kill yourself tyrign to fit some ridiculous image they can't all be as toned as me, lol.

FLS said...

We got one that's thinks she's getting skinny, another that's she's getting fat, and yet another that thinks big ol titties is a bad thing. Put ya'll together and we might just get a skinny girl with a fat ass and some big ol titties. hmmm....where is a mad scientist when you need him? lol.

LEAVE MY FRIEND ALONE!
I got your back homie.

Chesty LaRue said...

Frank Leigh...shove a sock in it, would ya!? I never said Tig Ol' Bitties was a bad thing, but they look better than they feel! Imagine nothing fitting right unless it's two sizes too big, or exercising with THREE sports bras just so they won't pound against your chest! Those food-providing, sexually stimulating, female distinguishing body parts can also be quite a head (and back) ache!

BTW...your blog about Superhead had me dying! I can't leave a comment though since you're discriminating against non-bloggers. To think, I was gonna by that book. Thanks for saving me the money/effort.

FLS said...

A Sock or a Titty?? Nevertheless
Flat Chested Girls across America are saying STFU!

I'm glad you liked the blog. I'm working on another one and you guessed it....it's going to be about (EVERYBODY NOW)...TITTIES!!!

Clem said...

When I am fat...I have more of myself to learn about. I have more of myself to love.

Your cries are so universal. You speak on behalf of so many girls who stand in judgement of themselves.

Don't let people tell you to GET OVER IT! I say..."get through it." Never over it. Just through it. Through this time of when I am...

Nice post.

R. Kelly said...

....with your tig 'ol bitties in the air...

chesty larue said...

Clem, please! If this was your one opportunity to showcase your mediocre literary talent, you could've left my comment out of it. I've known Liz for years! I can tell her to GET OVER IT!

R. Kelly is that really you!? I knew your song was about me all along! =D

R. Kelly said...

Chesty, I think you are too old for me. I like young tenderonies with tig 'ol bitties.