When I'm fat I'm insecure. I don't like standing next to skinny girls cause I don't quite measure up. I'm not like I used to be and now I'm not good enough. My friends tell me I'm beautiful no matter what the scale says. I smile and agree that they are right, but I know I'd rather be beautiful weighing a lot less.
When I'm fat I feel guilty. I ate creamy soup with my salad and it probably added a pound. I took a break during my workout and those are calories I won't burn now. I feel guilty for looking at the pizza coupons that come in the mail. It gets worse as I dig them out of the trash. And it suffocates me as I eat the whole thing.
When I'm fat I hate to shop. I know I can't fit in that size. I can't buy the next one bigger cause I don't want to admit that's now me. And I dread the dressing rooms. There are too many mirrors with too many angles revealing too many imperfections. I'd rather avoid it all.
When I'm fat I obsess. My conversations revolve around getting thin. If my friends ever got sick of me and stopped speaking, I'd obsess to these four walls.
When I'm fat, the only thing I want is to be thin. Nothing seems to work. I keep a food journal until I eat something I don't want to see in writing. I try the South Beach Diet, but scarf a load of cookies the second I'm told ONE is okay. I hired a personal trainer and all that money went to waste. I try to recreate what I did before. I got skinny after college and I'm sure I can do it once more.
When I'm fat there is an entire drawer of clothes that don't fit. I refuse to throw them away, cause that would mean I'm giving in.
When I'm fat I envision the future. In the future I'll be thin. When I'm thin I'll do all the things I wouldn't do when I'm fat.