Thursday, December 29, 2005

This Too Shall Pass

Okay, so I know I've been slacking on the entries. According to Michelle in Michigan it's starting to "smell like old folks in here," so I think it's about that time for me to get back on my job. I've gotta keep all 10 of my fans happy.
Well the holidays were cool. I got a week long break from the shrieking harpee that is my boss and made my way back to civilization (i.e. New York City), where I promptly indulged in all of the things that I've been missing living out here in hell, sorry, I mean Michigan. Of course, one of those things that I just had to partake in was The Idiot Who Made Me Cry. Now before you get your shorts in a knot, there was no quality time spent with him and his current flavor of the month. I learned my lesson on that after the last time (if you don't know what I'm talking about, please catch up). So anyways, we happened (well it wasn't totally accidental, but that's not the point) to be at the same party on New Years Eve. I'm not gonna lie and say that I didn't feel a mild pang seeing him pressed up against some cutsie little munchkin chick who stopped growing in sixth grade. However, when midnight rolled around, the only person on my mind was The Guy Who Shouldn't Make Me Cry, who was nowhere around. So this is what I've figured out: I'm pretty much over The Idiot and not nearly over The Guy.
The interesting thing about guys who shouldn't make a girl cry, is that in being human they often do that exact thing. I don't think The Guy meant to make me cry, actually I know he didn't, but it still happened. So we decided to take some time apart almost two months ago, so he wouldn't have to hear my craziness (read this for clarification) and I wouldn't be perpetually disappointed. Well two months have gone by and the feelings are still with me and I miss him like crazy. Let me tell you, it truly sucks! We still talk, but now it's just as friends. Right now I'm at the point where I'd rather have him in my life in that capacity than in no capacity at all. But here's what I've noticed, while I seem to be struggling with this whole situation, he seems oddly at ease and has seemed so for a while, which makes me wonder, is he already over everything? And if he is, how in the hellin did he do it so quickly.
In a case of serious liking and deep caring, it's difficult to shut those emotions off when things don't turn out as initially intended. When it's all over the only thing that's really left are those feelings, and with nowhere to put them, they can eat you up inside. All the could've beens, would've beens, and should've beens could drive a girl to drink (and the strongest thing I order from the bar is a cranberry and sprite). The only thing to do is get over it. But damn it, that's a lot easier said than done. Getting over someone is like having a big ball of shit weighing you down and trying to get out but being stuck by forces beyond your control. I guess what I'm saying is that it's sort of like constipation. You know you gotta get the shit out, but when you try, it hurts like a mutha!! The more you push the more it hurts. After an hour of breathing, grunting, straining, and pushing only the tip of the iceberg has been moved and you're left a sweaty, frustrated mess. It seems the more you try to purge someone from your system using all sorts of different methods (avoidance, immersion, distraction), the harder it is to get past them. After a while it just seems easier to just keep the shit inside (no pun intended) and live with carrying it around with you. But the problem with keeping it inside is that it's toxic and infects everything in you it touches. That's no good. While riding the 2 train from Harlem to the North Bronx I had an epiphany. Just like passing that pesky turd, in order to get over someone, you've gotta push past the pain. Basically like my boy Ursher said, "Gotta let it burn." And somewhere during all that hurt, progress is made and finally when you can't hurt anymore it all comes out in one big dump (no pun intended again). Looking at the process in that light, I now know why it took me three long, excrutiating years to get over the Idiot. He was backing up my system and most of the time it hurt too much to do the hard work of expelling him. So I just kept it inside and basically was infected for a very long time. But now that I've dropped that 200+ lb load I feel a million times lighter.
Now thinking about the whole process, I'm trying to figure out how someone who felt the exact same way I did, can be handling the demise of "us" so well, when I'm a freakin mess. It ain't fair, and it ain't right, and honestly I don't appreciate it. If I'm going to be miserable, he should at least have the courtesy to be a despondent wreck as well. I was perplexed about this, and then I had a conversation with my dear friend Chesty LaRue. Now let me say that Chesty is even more adept at finding Broke Ass Niggas than I am. I mean this woman is a Broke Ass Nigga magnet, and can pick them out in a crowd of a thousand men. Anyways, she had recently ended things with Broke Ass Nigga #1569203983865738 and couldn't get him to stop calling her. Broke Ass Nigga #1569203983865738 kept wondering how she could be so cold and be totally over everything with him so quickly. So she was venting about his incessant phone calls when she said, "He's not over me yet, but I got over him while we were still together." Hmmm, that's interesting. So later on I got to thinking about the idea of getting over someone while still in the relationship. On closer inspection, this is probably the reason why people get dumped. Their significant other was already past all their feelings when they ended the relationship.
Thinking isn't a good thing for me to do, but I couldn't stop myself. I got to thinking that maybe The Guy is okay with everything now, cause by the time we crashed and burned he was already over me. In my head, I can't wrap my brain around that. He vehemently denied that his actions (or rather inaction) was the result of a change of heart. Maybe I'm stupid, but I know him and I know he wasn't lying to me, or just trying to make me feel better (he's not the type to just tell someone what they want to hear). It's not a very nice feeling to think that at the end of everything you were the only person who cared. Jon B said it best when he sang, "Ain't no fun in lovin' if you're lovin alone/ How does it feel to be useless?" Not cool, not cool at all. If I could just get a glimmer that I'm not alone now (at least in what I'm feeling) and haven't been alone for the last three months, then I'd feel better. But then again, maybe it doesn't really matter how he feels or doesn't feel or when he started or stopped feeling that way. Maybe it's time for me to just let this one pass. The very idea is a pain in my ass.

4 comments:

Michele in Michigan said...

You WILL get through this. Your comment "It's not a very nice feeling to think that at the end of everything you were the only person who cared" really struck me. That is soooo true. I've been there.

It sucks, but your feelings WILL pass, along with the big turd that WAS TheGuyWhoShouldn'tMakeMeCry.

Hang in there sweetie.

Ellen said...

Being there, doing a version of that right now - and LOVING your constipation analogy.

Good Luck!

Alicia said...

Your last line was so poetic.

RebeLioness said...

I gotta say, I liked this blog. The shitty metaphors--not so much, but it was damn good anyway!

Now the subsequent blog! OOOOH do I have a MAJOR bone to pick with you about that!