Thursday, April 05, 2007

Now What

It's official. I won't be spending the latter half of 2007 the way I envisioned. No classes, no workshops, no papers. I held out hope until the last rejection arrived this afternoon. At least now I don't have to be scared of what's in the mailbox. But then again, there's nothing to look forward to when I check the mail either.
If I said I wasn't disappointed, that would be a lie. It hurts, badly. I wanted this. And not just because it was a way out of a life that closes in on me a bit more each day. But moreso because if I got this it would be confirmation that I really do have a talent and that my words could take me places I can't even imagine. Right now I feel deluded, like I fooled myself into thinking I'm better than I am. I can already hear my parents false comfort when I tell them. "Oh I'm sorry....so how about business school?"
The worst part is now I have to make other plans. I can't continue where I'm at. I've been trying to move on for more than a year, yet I'm still in the same place doing the same thing. Yes, I can keep writing and apply again next year. But in the meantime, I need a change. I'm so desperate for something new I practically bang my head against walls in frustration. There are no job prospects, query letters are unanswered, and grad school isn't going to happen this fall. With no options, what's a girl to do?

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello! I don't know what your ultimate goal is, but I believe firmly that you don't have to go to journalism school (or complete any other grad school writing programs) to be a writer or get an editorial job. I was an economics major with no clips when I started out, and now I'm an assitant editor. It didn't take too much time. It's all about making contacts and getting a clip or two. If you want to teach, that's another story, more school is a necessity. But if you want to write, just write. Send out pitches. If you want to work for a magazine or newspaper, get a paid internship and work your way up. Good luck!

Dj Triple Threat said...

Hi momma.

AIM me @ hummingbyrd89.

I am in grad school now.

I had to FIGHT to get AND fight to remain.

Its ulgy.

BUT.

I have pointers if you want them

m_dot.

Rebelioness said...

It doesn't necessarily happen when and how we want, but it will happen in due time. Just keep the faith!

Diane Mandy said...

I'm sorry that things didn't turn out the way you want this time, but don't stop believing that you are that good. You are. Don't give up!!

Buffy said...

“Everywhere I go, I’m asked if the universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them…" Flannery O'Connor

What do they know? Really? Chalk it up to them being precious and not recognising good hard core talent. Don't let the rejection define you. I did once, and it set me back seven years...don't let it happen to you.

Change is hard. It's scary. But things never turn out as bad as we fear they might.

Yadda yadda. I'm rambling. Go for it!

jali said...

Just write. It's something you do better than most.

Joseph said...

I say: turn a negative into a positive.

I don't know what programs you applied to, but perhaps those weren't the right places for you and, as hard as it might be, maybe you do need to tighten up your craft some more. Effective writers become good writers not by talent, but by practice.

Also, we all want to go to the top MFA programs, but there are more programs out there. Have you considered a less well-known place? Also, you could always register for one workshop in the meantime. Most programs will let you do that as a non-matriculate. That could really work for you... you can workshop a piece and try again!

~Joseph

goodness gracious! said...

i'm sorry you didn't get in. i hope you know getting in, not getting in, neither of those things is the definiteve comment on your talent. just perding the bio of your favoirte contemporary authors should show you how many didn't go to grad school, or didn't go to one of the top five. and those that did, it's very possible it was an awesome expreience, but it's also possible that it was not. the important thing is the right match, and that doesn't always appear during the first application. a good pal of mine applied to the to design MA's and got into none. she spent the next year working on her portfolio, busting her ass, taking every job opportunity that appeared, and got into the top 2 programs, with full rides, next year. she didn't suddenyl become more talented, just more polished, and also more focused, and had a stronger discipline related cv under her belt.

in the mean time, how about taking just one grad writing class,one that looks really fun? there are also volunteer opportunities for writer, in nyc, anyway, volunteer.org has tons of them, from writing articles for nonprofits to covering neighborhhod beats for the local paper, to grantwriting for up and coming artisits and nonprofits.

stay strong!

K said...

How about we both apply to San Deigo State next year and spend out time on the beach, drinking too much, dancing too much, and sleeping all day long?

Call me sometime and we'll plan it out :)

xo,
K

Kim said...

Hi Cheetara,

I used to navigate my way to your blog from my homie's page (frankleighspeeking). And since he no longer out there, I kept your page as a favorite and would sometimes visit when I had down time at work. It has been a minute, but this morning I stumbled up on your page when I meant to click another favorite.

We are/were in exactly the same boat. I applied to 3 top tier b-schools and didn't get in to any of them. Like you, I didn't reveal anything until the last letter (email) came stating that I won't be a member of the fall class. Everything that you have said mirrors my thoughts to a T(the 'now what', looking for a job since you were holding out with ur current job hoping to peace out sooner than later, the plans that were made in your head). Even the comments people have posted mirror what my close friends have told me.

I am just now getting my mojo back and trying to muster up the energy to go at this again since I really want it. It's so crazy when your in the situation. Although you know you are not the only one it may have happened to, it feels like it. So I give you much props and respect for writing this blog and putting it out there for people like me.

Since most people have posted inspirational words, I'll just say best of luck in your future endeavors!

Christine Ansorge said...

When are you going to get your butt back in the seat at the UICA? You aren't deluded, you just need practice. Get back to writing. Pronto!

Anonymous said...

Dude? Where'd ya go?

Buffy said...

One of my biggest disappointments turned into the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

Cheesy as hell but true too.

You'll look back on this one day ..and think 'ahhh, so that's why that happened'.

Trust me.

hangthedj said...

Being the first person in my very working class family to go to University, I had to fight to get anywhere but the factory floor in life and I am now a journalist for the BBC...it happens.

Dont lose the faith and your self belief x

goodness gracious! said...

i still check for a new post!