I just realized something. Midlife crises are not the exclusive domain of 50 year old men who are dependent upon Rogaine and Viagra. In fact perfectly well adjusted single 25 year old black women who live in Grand Rapids Michigan can go through this debilitating phase too.
When you wake up one day and you realize that your life isn't how you thought it would be and isn't what you want it to be, it's a sad feeling. Even when you have the job, the home, the car, and the shoes the world says you should want, you're still not happy. Feelings of guilt and ungratefulness just sweep over you, because you should be satisfied with all that you have, but you're not. It's not even that you want more money or a nicer car or more shoes (well maybe you do want those bronze BCBG pumps at Marshall Fields). It's moreso a feeling that there has to be more to life, that time is passing you by and you're not doing something vitally more important than what you're doing now.
So what do you do when you're feeling like this? Some folks buy a new car. Others get depressed and stay in bed all day. Me. I decided to consult God on this one. Oftentimes I feel as though my life is out of control, with absolutely no direction. The more I try to get things under control myself, the more out of control I feel. I figured, I might as well stop making a mess of things and figure out where God wants me to go in life. I may not listen to Him some of the time (alright fine, I spend most of my time either ignoring Him or fighting Him), but I really wanted to give His guidance a chance. So I opened up my Bible and started reading. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the book of "Liz." Nor did I find any passages in any of the canon dedicated to what I should do with my life. I did find out some pretty useful stuff in the Book of James about learning to control my temper. I filed that in mental rolodex for future reference. I was on a mission to find MY mission. Next, I got down on my knees and had a lengthy conversation with God. Unfortunately, I did all the talking. Maybe He tried to get a word or two in, but I must've missed it.
Not hearing anything directly from the Source, I decided that patience was a virtue I didn't have, so I'd ask folks at church for some Godly advice. I mean if He spoke through man to write the Bible, why couldn't He speak through folks at church to give me a bit of direction. I talked to one woman at my church, we'll call her Church Lady. I pour out my heart to her about my issues and wait anxiously for her words of wisdom. For some reason all I got was, "Have you prayed about it?" Daggone it!!! How come whenever you got an issue or a dilemma, the first thing someone wants to say is, "You should pray." I know they are trying to be helpful, but I'll give em a hint. That ain't helping. In fact, that's the last thing I want to hear. Nor do I want to hear someone tell me to go read the Bible. While I love that book to my core, there are certain things that it just doesn't cover. Sometimes folks are so quick to minister, they forget how to just listen and empathize.
Then a funny thing happened. I went to church one Sunday and the pastors are starting a series on the most important questions we'll ask in life. Questions about who God is, who we are, what we're supposed to do, how important time is. And I'm not talking about those sermons that quote one line of scripture and without fail end in the typical, "When I think about all that God has brought me through, I just wanna praise Him!! Who wants to praise Him? Has God been good to you?!! He's been good to me!!" Complete with organ accents, jumping in the pulpit, and a brisk jog down the center aisle before one final scream and then passing out in the big pastor's chair. No folks, these sermons actually practically applied scripture to my everyday life. And then suddenly, the light went off in my head. I'm not saying that I've gotten it all figured out, cause I don't by any means. But I'm clear on a few things now. God created me with a purpose. And He gave me gifts and talents and abilities that He wants me to use. If I'm not content with where I am right now, it's probably because I'm trying to fit into a box that's not designed for my SHAPE. Now I can try and twist myself into someone I'm not to try and fit where I am at this moment. But I'm no contortionist and don't have any desire to be. Thankfully, He doesn't deire that either.