Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Doing Too Much

I push send and wait for the confirmation. That's five texts in less than five hours, with no response in sight. Each message is more desperate than the one before it. "Hey! What's up," turns into "Are you there?" which turns into "I need to talk to you," which runs headfirst into "I miss you." Nothing works, and I am starting to wonder what I have to do to get a reply.

It wasn't like this before. I never had to wait to hear from him or have my calls returned. I didn't have to walk on eggshells, avoiding the landmines of desperation and the pitfalls of too much pressure. I had access whenever and wherever I wanted. But it's no longer like that. I'm shut out now, banging my head against a bolted door hoping that it will open. I can wait it out.

Then I start to think. What if I wait and what if he opens up again. Then what? Is he mine? Not necessarily. And what does having him really represent. Will he communicate, tell me how he feels, be there when I need him? Probably not. Five texts, two voicemails, countless calls. What the hell for? Why am I begging him to want me again. So we can be us for a second time? We were issues oriented at our best. I'm putting myself through hell waiting on him to tell me yes. I'm doing way too much for what I might get in return. Fuck it. I'm done.

12 comments:

----- said...

Alright - I'm not gonna front like I know your exact situation, b/c I don't. But what I will say is this...you deserve to have HIM pining for YOU. I'm all for initiating - don't get me wrong. BUT...dude is on some nonsense right now.

O.k. - that's my $.10 worth.

Head up!!

~Trish

jailbait said...

Yeah, you are/were doing too much. You are hot....hot females shouldn't have to work that hard.

Love you girl!

Lynn said...

You know I don't even have to comment for you to know how I feel about this. He is communicating with you--it's your choice to hear it and move on or decide to make up your own message from him.

Rebelioness said...

I'm starting to think these are minute installments to some bigger, "I'm a stalking psycho-bitch" manual that you're due to put out later in life! =D

Yeah, I hear ya...but, I really wish folk would keep it real, ya know? Like it's really easy to stop pining, to move on, to press STOP on the emotions ride. You will get off when you are good and ready to. With a little more prayer, supportive convos with friends, and keeping busy (with help from another certain prospect), it could happen sooner than you think. =P

Cece said...

Fuck It and most importantly Fuck Him!

Isn't my potty mouth sexy??

├ůsa said...

Cheetarah! Dump the dude! You are one hot chick with so many talents. If he doesn’t see that, he’s not worth your time. Easy to say, hard to do – I know. Hang with friends, do lots of exercise, baby-sit, anything to keep you from contacting him again. Be with people who love you!

When ever I feel compelled to make that last stupid call or send that self-pity text: I read “dump the dude, he’s not that into you” by the guy who helped out when writing Sex and the City.

Trish said...

I'm with Cece on this one: fuck it and fuck him. You absolutely deserve better treatment than the particular hell of no return call, email, text.

It's difficult though b/c the heart wants what it wants as they say.

hangthedj said...

God that is so sad...and reminds me so much of how I felt towards the end of my last serious relationship. Good luck to you!

Buffy said...

I hate the waiting game. I've played it. It's never fun. But it doesn't always turn out bad.

Elizabeth said...

Some things just aren't worth the trouble. You are. He's not.

Serena said...

I identified with parts of this way, way too much.

NegroPino™ said...

Let him chase u....yeah the first one was cool to let him know but im sure he knows, he gets it..and he knows u sitting there waiting.....dont let him think he got u right where he wants u....get up, get out, and move on