Friday, February 24, 2006

Shelf Life

Men should come with expiration dates. It's only fair a woman know in advance how long a man is good for before he goes bad. Some guys are like cereal, and as long as you keep them properly stored, they last a couple months before going stale. Others are like produce, cause you've gotta use them pretty quickly before they spoil. Then some guys are like boxed rice. You can keep them in the cupboard for years and they'll still be as fresh as the day you bought 'em. Now in my lifetime, I've never dated a box of rice. Honestly, I probably wouldn't even know where to shop for one. For a few years, I hung out in the cereal aisle. But those Froot Loops didn't last very long. However, in the last year or so, I have the disturbing habit of hanging out in the produce aisle. That's the only way to explain my penchant for 2 week "relationships."
Before The Guy Who Shouldn't Make Me Cry came along (I went back to cereal with him), for some reason flies had longer lifespans than the men I was dealing with. I can't lie and say that I didn't know that these men weren't going to last forever. Sometimes a girl can't really commit to consuming a pantry full of unperishable items. However, I'm not stupid enough to purposely choose overripe product that's about to spoil (or just go through some shit right now). There are two ways to get your produce: in single servings or in bulk. In both cases you know going in that it ain't gonna last, however you expect the bulk items to last longer. In the case of single servings , it's okay to buy the produce that's really ripe, cause you only want it once (1 red delicious apple, 1 Sunkist orange), and then you're done with it. Sometimes when you've got a craving all you need to do is satisfy it and then be done. You buy in bulk when you need to get yourself through a season. You buy the bag of under ripe fruit and stick it in the fridge and stretch out the consumption over the course of several weeks until there is either no more left or rotting sets in. The goal is to use it up before it spoils, so as not to waste time or money. Now, I'm more of a bulk girl. I'm not a fan of single servings cause the satisfaction they bring is so temporary. I swear that the men I've dated over the last year didn't appear to be rotting when I made my purchase, but within two weeks they were maggot ridden. If had known they had such short shelf lives, I would've left their asses alone. But alas, I was fooled.
A couple of days ago I was on the phone with Chesty LaRue. She recently started seeing this guy she met while hanging out with friends. Old boy made the greivous mistake of not calling when he said he would and Chesty was already starting to wonder if it was the beginning of the end (failure to do what you say you're gonna do when you say you're gonna do it, is a clear sign of trouble). She mentioned that the men in her life seemed to crash and burn sooner and sooner into the involvement. This got me to thinking about my own dating life. I used to firmly believe that most relationships never made it past the 90 day mark. Those 90 days could evenly be divided into two distinct stages: heaven, then hell complete with a crash and burn finale. Nowadays it's seeming like 90 days is an eternity, I've seen a lot of budding romances killed within two weeks. One week of bliss and one week of bullshit before people decide to go their separate ways. There was once a time when I could expect a man to act right for at least a month. Now I'm surprised if a guy lasts a week before screwing up. There used to be a grace period when men were sweet, reliable, attentive, affectionate, and all the good stuff girls go for. That grace period gets shorter and shorter as I get older and older. What's up with that? If I'm honest with myself, I'm really past the point of wanting to buy produce. It's a waste of time and money to spend my resources on stuff that I know will go bad or just leave me hungry. Next time a dude comes my way, he better be non-perishable.


CrankyProf said...

The only way you get guys like that is if they've been irradiated until the GLOW. Or beaten into submission by a previous produce-squeezer!

JLANE said...

Dear Lord I know you're busy an all dealing with Sin, but when you have a free moment please give Liz a meaningful relationship sometime this millenium.


Anonymous said...

Its been so long since I've been to the market that I don't even know how to shop anymore. I can't tell a bag of Uncle Ben's from a corn flake. Fls, please add me to your prayer.

Anonymous said...

My shelf life is running the same time frame as SUSHI..dammit shit is spoiling and stinking up the place in mere hours!!

Anonymous said...

I'm starting to feel exploited! Why am I always included in your testimonials of how sick and depraved your relationships with men are? Soon you'll be writing a blog about how I was fondled on a crowded bus! WHY!?!?
Anyway, I think it would be cool if guys actually had visible expiration dates somewhere on them. It would make this process called dating a whole lot easier!