Thursday, January 26, 2006

Revenge of the Nerd

One day about a year or so ago, I was sitting in a New York pizza parlor with my dear friend Chesty LaRue. We were dining on slices of wonderfully greasy extra cheese pizza discussing who knows what. Over the course of our seven year friendship I can remember a good number of our conversations. I might have remembered the one in the pizza parlor that day had I not been distracted by my reflection in the mirrors that lined the restaurant's walls. Like Narciciss I had fallen in love with my reflection. And honestly, I can't blame myself cause I'm freaking HOT!!
Some might call me vain, and in all honesty they're right, I am. But I've earned the right to be vain. You see that picture of me in my profile? Stunning, right? Well, as hard as this is to believe, I wasn't always such a looker. In fact up until a steady turn around starting in '98, I was the definition of plain, awkward, and unmemorable. When braces are an improvement over the original packaging that's the first clue you're not in the running for the title of Best Looking in the Senior Superlatives yearbook section. I didn't have a nose job, nor did I have any major reconstructive surgery since high school. The basic palette is still the same. So how come it looks so much better now than it did then? Let me tell you, knowledge is power. If I knew then, what I know now, I could've been hot in high school.
In high school I wasn't ugly per say. I was definitely much better looking than the girls who rode the short bus to school and had all their classes in one room. However, to my dismay at the time, I wasn't considered hot. When dudes would sit around naming off all the girls they'd like to spend the five minutes before their premature ejaculation with, my name never made the list. The girls that were most coveted had something going for them that I just didn't. They were short, compact, and wore cute clothes. I, on the other hand, was an emaciated beanpole, with gangly limbs that I had absolutely no control over, and was relegated to wearing men's clothing or highwaters all the time. My hair, which I had yet to embrace in all it's nappy glory, was an odd combination of frizzy roots and sleek ends and spent most days in a careless ponytail. Now 7 years later, with a much needed 20 (or more) well placed (or not so well placed at times) pounds on my frame, the advent of extra long women jeans, and some personal grooming advice from Chesty, I'm a dime. Honestly if I decided to wax on a regular basis, I could completely get a starring role in somebody's music video (hey Nelly, if you're reading me).
I don't understand why this transformation couldn't have happened when I was 14. This is sort of hard to admit, but I wasn't exactly popular in high school. Now I wasn't a complete and total dweeb cause there were plenty of people on the popularity food chain much lower than I. I did my duty and showered as much scorn and ridicule upon them as I saw fit on a daily basis. But I was NEVER the "IT" girl that I dreamed of being. I think that if me today went back to high school, my name would definitely be on the boys locker room wall. It's just not fair. I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't enjoy being hot in the here and now. But it would've been great to look this way then too. Honestly, high school is really the only time when popularity matters. In the real world, there's really not a concentrated pool of people who watch your every move and covet your status. You just sort of blend in with the crowd. And college popularity doesn't count either. Campus is too's one thing to be adored within a certain set of people (The Negroes, The Salsa Dancers, Young Republicans, Future MILFs), but it's virtually impossible for that adoration to spread to the masses. So high school is really the only opportunity and once it's passed, it's over.
In case you're wondering, I'm not bitter over this whole situation. You wanna know why? Cause I've recently run into a few of those "It" girls from way back when. Let me tell ya, whatever it was they had in high school, they've definitely lost "It" now. A lot of them never left our small town and moved in to crappy apartments two blocks from their parents and raise two or three snot nose kids (who have two or three snot nose daddies) on tips earned at Big Hal's Diner. Those short, compact cuties are now short wide bodied models of their former selves. They've even fallen victim to that half mullet half Farrah Fawcett winged hairdo that's so popular amongst trailer park bunnies and WalMart employees. In a head to head comparison I look better, dress better, and live better than them. Go ME!! When I look at them (while laughing, snickering, and pointing) I don't feel so bad about being a late bloomer. Cause I mean really, it's sort of sad to peak at 18.


Alicia said...

I wasn't exactly a late bloomer..I was the boobs and butt girl in highschool. None of the highschool boys wanted me, but the RPI and STOP boys did! I was always bigger than the "cute little" females at my school...but now alot of them have "cute little" babies and are still living in Troy. We are dimes now, back then they didn't want us, now we're hot they're all on us...MIKE JONES

CrankyProf said...

Amen, sister.

Blooming late is the best revenge.

Anonymous said...

I read this blog from time to time. I'm all caught up now and check back periodically for new posts; today I read the last two posts. I too feel I would have looked a lot better in high school and prior if I had known then what I know now. I wouldn't have processed my hair, ever. Also, I have a lot of scarring on my legs from my tomboy childhood; I was embarassed by this so it kept me from trying out for any sports that would require me to wear shorts even though I am very athletic (oh, I did play soccer for a few leagues, but I wore shin guards). Now, my hair is a lot healthier and I dare say my legs are looking more presentable. Most importantly my self esteem is a lot higher which is what really matters. I could always get guys, even the best looking ones b/c I wasn't considered unattractive but I'd usually turn these half-assed offers of companionship down. I'd rather have the self esteem to choose a man rather than be chosen and to manage myself and a relationship with confidence. I'm glad I wasn't exactly what was up then too b/c I would likely have gotten caught up as well b/c that's just the culture where I'm from and a lot of ppl's parent's pressure them to be popular in high school and earn the approval of their loser classmates. One of my friends from school dropped out and is in the exact situation you described living in an apartment exactly two blocks from her parents with 3 children working a job she despises with no help from her children's father (only exception is that her children all have the same father), but that's proved to be a disadvantage. If she had spread her risk over three baby daddies, she'd might stand a better chance of collecting child support. Anyway, I 2nd the Mike Jones quote!

Alicia said...

See Liz, its all about MIKE JONES.

Chesty LaRue said...

Now THIS anonymous quoter is on point! And I agree with crankyprof that blooming late is the best revenge. But who's to speak for those that bloomed too soon (like myself) and got a lot of unwanted attention. I know it might sound unappreciative, but I hated the attention only because I knew what it was based on: my girls.
I definitely wasn't the "IT" girl in terms of clothes and beauty, but I was that girl that all the guys wanted to hug for some reason (that I later learned was not due to genuine sweetness!). As a result, I got hated on by females without understanding why. It's frustrating because back then I would've given my left tit to NOT be noticed (no pun intended). Just a thought from the other side of the fence...